a moment

three years

it is hard for me to believe
that it has been three years
since cooper died.

there are moments
when it feels like yesterday.
and then there are moments
when it feels like a life time ago.

i can still recall
all the tiny, minute details
of that morning.
of how our lives changed forever
in the time it took to get a cup of coffee.

i have learned alot over the last three years:
about myself, my family, my friends and strangers.
about the resiliency of the heart, its ability to expand, to heal,
and to love.
about grief, compassion and living an honest life.

grief and loss is not something that
you want to learn about.
you don't wake about and think
"i need to work on my ability to move through loss."

but the reality is that we all face loss at some point
in our lives.
we are never really ready for it.
and no matter what the loss is, it feels insurmountable.
it is smothering, constant, and will bring you to your knees.

i still believe that there are two ways
to deal with grief.
face it head on. look it square in the eye
and say i am choosing to live.
or
stick your head in the sand. be the victim.
and choose to live in darkness.

in the days after cooper's death
i couldn't see my future self, my future life or
my future son.
it was too painful.

i wanted the grieving and healing
to be fast, over, done with and tucked neatly on the shelf.
it didn't happen that way.

the first year was a daily battle.
we had a house full of baby stuff
and no baby.
i worked every single day
on learning to live without cooper.

the second year was full of missed moments.
every milestone chace hit, there was a sharp twinge
in my heart, saying "we missed this with cooper."
i realized that i could not live chace's whole life thinking
of might have been with cooper.
it wasn't fair.

this third year has been full of acceptance.
a gentle acceptance of what is.
i still get mad.
i still cry.
my heart still aches for my sweet boy.
but i am more at peace.

i attribute this to my yoga practice.
it is time that i give myself
to breathe, to work on myself.
to feel whatever it is i need to feel.
to laugh. to cry. to hurt. to sweat.
to just be.

finding this place of calm
was such an unexpected surprise.
it was cooper's cardiologist who
encouraged me to try yoga.
and i am so grateful.

on the rare occasions when our
mats next to each other it brings me peace.
our hearts beating together for coopers.

there are times at the end of the day
that i am tired and dont want to go to yoga.
but i know that it brings a calmness to my life that i need.
a healing that is gentle and steady like the breathe that guides the practice.
it connects my heart to my sons hearts', both cooper and chace.
and this helps me find a gentle acceptance of what is,
even if only for a few moments.

each year since cooper's death has brought
a greater understanding of myself,
made me a better parent, friend, daughter and spouse.
though my heart will always be scarred, it does to continue
to heal and to mend, slowly.

dear chace

dear chace.

you are now two months away from two years old. and to be honest with you, you are beginning to act like you are already two. i understand why they call it the terrible twos. when you don't get your way,  you know how to turn on the tantrum. holy all out temper tantrum. you throw yourself on the floor, kick, hit, throw whatever is in your path. i try to ignore you but sometime i just want to laugh at you. i am not sure where you get your temper. (haha) what i do love about this age, is that you don't hold a grudge. as soon as you are finished expressing your displeasure you return to your happy, sweet little self.

in the last month you have turned into a little magpie. you repeat whatever you hear us say.  you are putting words together in small sentences, which makes communication between us much easier. we can actually have a conversation.

while you don't really understand christmas, or maybe you do understand. you certainly know who santa is and love asking "where santa?". when i ask you what you want santa to bring you, you reply "owl and a cup".  hopefully santa will deliver. i can not wait to see the wonderment in your eyes on christmas morning.

you continue to thrive in school. after two days of being home sick, upon returning to school, you ran into the classroom and shook ms. gerrie's hand. i love it that you have taken such an interest in learning and that you love school so much. i love it when you apply what what you are learning in school to life at home. it makes us feel good about your academic environment.

we head to yaya and pappous on monday. you are going to meet your younger cousin for the first time. i am not sure how you will feel about sharing your grandparents, but i think you will learn to love finn.
we are hoping to take you to the ski area and have you play in the snow. your dad is itching to get you on skis. you do love watching ski videos with your dad, so i feel pretty confident that you will take to the slopes.

this time of year is hard for your dad and i, but you make it bearable. you bring such joy into our lives and for that we are thankful.

happy 22 months sweet boy.

love you
mama

tuesday tidbits

** chace loves eggnog.

** i think this is really funny.

** but what is funnier is the way he says it.

** i wish it would snow.

** we decorated gingerbread houses today with hayden, cole and amy.

** well, lets be honest. amy and i decorated the houses.

** the kids consumed lots of sugar.

** chace has a horrible diaper rash.

** it is his first diaper rash.

** ever.

** tonight is pizza night.

** have you seen "homeland" on showtime?

** it is awesome.

** we have watched the entire season in less than a week.

** chace wants an owl and a cup from santa.

** i have to go to the post office tomorrow.

** i am dreading it.

** pizza is calling.

** happy tuesday.

green monday

did you know that today is green monday?
i had no idea, until i watched the news last night.
according to those who study consumer trends
today is one of the biggest online retail days of the year.

who knew?

so in honor of green monday.
i am offering you a chance to do some
online retail therapy in the lucends shop.
use the coupon code "greenmonday"
and receive 15% off your order.

today only!
happy green monday.

a handshake

chace has the handshake down pat.
he even will look you in the eye
while he is shaking your hand.

this is how he starts and ends
his time at montessori every single day
and i love it.

there is nothing that i hate
more than a weak handshake
or someone who does not look
you in the eye while shaking your hand.

so, i am thrilled that my son
is learning this skill early in life.
when he meets someone new
he sticks out his hand to shake it.

even being in awe of seeing santa
in the flesh did not throw him off.
nope, he just stuck out his hand,
like he sees santa every day.

parenting moment

there are a few messages
that keep recurring in my yoga practice:
living your truth, being honest
with where you are and being vulnerable.

i am trying to take my practice
off my mat, to use what
i learn in class and
apply it to life outside the yoga studio.

today, no the few days,
i have been presented with
this opportunity.

incidentally, this opportunity
happens to coincide with one my
less than stellar parenting moments.

chace has been sick.
forever.
and forever.
we went back to the doctor monday
and were given an antibiotic.

this medicine has turned my child
into a a very grouchy child.
he only wants ph and
throws himself on the floor
when i come near him.

he wants nothing to do with me.

i am trying not to get
my feelings hurt,
but i am.

i am jealous that ph
is the only one that can console him.

i feel useless.
there is no division of labor.
it is all falling squarely
on the shoulders of ph.

last night, chace was up
every two hours
( we switched medicine today)
but the only one who could
settle him down was ph.

because i feel hurt, jealous and useless
i am losing patience.

what happened to my sweet happy go lucky child?
when will this end?
when will i have my toddler back.?

like i said, not my most stellar of parenting moments.
but i am trying to take my practice off my mat.
to be vulnerable, honest and live my truth.

this is my truth this week.
and i am learning to take it
one breath at a time.

tuesday tidbits

** it is very quiet around our house without b.

** i miss him so much.

** and though it was the right decision, the humane decision, i cant believe he is gone.

** i am methodically working through my custom order list.

** i am looking forward to doing some sewing for me, someday.

** c has been home from school for the last two days.

** i feel like we are going to be sick until april.

** we leave in two weeks.

** i can not wait to be at my parents.

** we will be there for a entire month.

** i got the lucends shop undated.

** feel free to holiday shop.

** it is hard to believe that we have not had snow.

** this makes it feel very "unchristmas" like.

** but i am trying to get in the holiday mood.

** i have an auction meeting.

** did i mention that i am making a quilt to be auctioned off that includes the hand prints of all 93 children?

** i think it is going to be awesome but a big undertaking.

** that project will use up all my parent participation hours!

** we have to do 30 a year.

** hope you are having a happy tuesday.

big hunk

i am sure you saw
the american express
small business saturday commercial?

did you know
that some of the businesses
on the commercial are located in austin?
they may have all been,
but i know two were.

when i was in austin
luke and i went to
the big top candy shop.

it was amazing.
there was every kind
of candy imaginable.

candy old and new.
candy from your childhood.
whatever your age may be.
candy by the pound.
candy too pretty or cool to eat.

if it hadn't been so crowded
i could have spent all day in there
and a lot of money on sugar.

i managed to snap
a pic of the big hunk candy bar.
this is not my favorite kind of candy,
but it is a significant part of my past.

you see, when i was a senior in high school.
some one threw said candy bar
from the top of the bleachers
and it hit me in the bag of the head
requiring 3 stitches and an afternoon off from school.

maybe i should keep some
in my house in case
i need to hit someone on the back of the head.

in photos

love you B.
you will be missed.
i hope there is lots of snow in your next life.
our lives will not be the same without you.
xoxo

renegade in texas

renegade craft fair in austin
was  awesome.
it was handmade texas style.

the vendors were amazing.
the venue was perfect.
the customers were charming.
there was beer and wine served.
my neighbors were so much fun.
the production staff was out of this world.

look at the company
i was in....

becka spellman makes the coolest kids clothes.
i picked up a shirt for chace.

aviva kleiner has the most beautiful felt and beaded hair pieces.
it made me wish my hair was long.

lisa chow creates whimsical drawings by hand.
luke and i came brought home three.

jamie kelsch creates jewelry that is hip, simple and elegant.
there were several pieces i want.

and

leah duncan creates fabric to drool over.
she has a line of fabric coming out in february with anthology fabrics.

this was just the tip of the iceburg.
these ladies were in booths next to me.
if you have a chance to attend a renegade craft fair
you should go.
no, run.
you will not regret it.

i can not wait
for the opportunity to
be in this company again.