spilling out

until about 10 days ago, if you walked into our house and i was not home, you would have no idea that we were going to have a baby in less then a month. yes, tiny clothes were washed, folded neatly in drawers and hanging in the closet. there was artwork hanging on the wall, new bedding in the crib and blankets waiting, but unless you went up the stairs and into the nursery you would not know.

there is so much gear that accompanies having a baby. most of that gear has lived in the basement or the nursery since cooper died. i have been reluctant to let it leave those two places. maybe because i am cautious. or maybe because there is a part of me that fears something will go wrong. or maybe its superstition, that until the bean was here and i know that he is fine, i couldn't let it spill out into the house. i remember asking someone after cooper died, what do i do with all the stuff. walking back into our house the day he died, there were reminders every where, reminders that i could not escape. i think my reluctance to let the stuff spill out of the nursery and basement is a way to protect myself and reminds me that my heart is still very tender.

but my need for organization kicked in. and if you walked into our house today there are subtle signs that a baby is on its way. it started with the pack and play. setting this up required some furniture rearranging and since this occurred in my craft room, i wanted a say in what was rearranged. this move got the ball rolling. now, there is formula in the pantry (no i am not nursing, another post for another day), bottles in the kitchen cabinets, monitors in the appropriate rooms, and precious husband had the car sear installed yesterday. there is still some gear in the bean's room, like the hammock that cooper loved so, but i don't think that will spill out until the bean is actually here. and the stuff in the basement, we wont need that for a while.

yes, there is still a part of me that is nervous. nervous that we will come home from the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts, but i think that is a normal fear regardless of whether you have experienced the loss of a child or not. despite my fear, i do have hope that the bean will be healthy, trust in my doctors, and faith that cooper is watching over his baby brother.