darkness into light

it feels dark today.
my mind has had a hard
time making sense of
the violence that took place
in boston yesterday.

ok, lets be honest.
the violence that seems
to happen with too
much frequency.

my thoughts are
seemingly unconnected,
but they keep bouncing
around in my mind.
so, maybe that means something.

it is easy in times
of darkness to lose faith,
to surrender to the darkness.

it is natural to shut down,
go numb, and close your heart
when the unthinkable happens.
(believe me i know)

anger is easy to embrace.
to want answers,
to want justice.
and accountability.

yes, that is part of the healing.
but it is more important
to keep the heart open.
to search for the light.

by opening up to life.
we continue to live
and it is through living
that we find healing and peace.

it is then that we
can truly come out
of the darkness so
that we can see
and experience the light.

sending lots of love light and peace to boston

xoxo

Tuesday tidbits

* hi there

* how are you?

* I know it has been awhile.

* it was a rough winter.

* and I think the fog is starting to lift.

* I can feel spring in the air.

* I see it in brief glimpses, glimpses that give me hope.

* I battle depression on a regular basis, but it is always worse in the winter.

* this winter it was really bad, a constant struggle.

* to be honest, I had things to say and share but I just couldn't make myself write.

* but today it feels right, like I said the fog is lifting.

* what have been up to?

* well, lucends launched a wholesale line.

* I have been working with an amazing surface designer to create my own fabric line for fall.

* there have been photo shoots, design edits, meetings with my sales rep and craft show applications

* I will be a vendor at the country living fair, put on by country living magazine.

* I am beyond excited and a little bit scared.

* oh , and then there is life with a 3 year old.

* full of fun, laughter, tantrums, funny sayings, play dates and lots of poop.

* yes, we are still battling poop.

*give me strength!

* despite a rough winter, I guess I have been busy!

* but it is good to be back.

* what have you been up to?

Dear Chace

My dear sweet Chace

Happy birthday!

Today you turned 3.
I can't believe it
Has been three years since
You showed us the meaning of love.

This past year
You have come into your own
Become your own person.

You are sweet and funny
You are smart and very precocious
You have an imagination that astounds me.
And you are very stubborn.
( but you come by that very honestly)

You love trains and robots.
You have a tremendous knowledge of animals
You love books and could spend hours reading.
Like, your father you love to be outdoors.

You are extremely social
And have many friends.
Playdates are your favorite
And you look forward to them.

It has been so much fun to watch
You grow and learn and laugh.
Parenting is by far the hardest thing I have ever done
But it is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done.

It is an honor and joy to be your mama.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Happy third birthday sweet boy

Xoxo
Your mama

Overheard

I am one of the room mothers
For Chace's class at school.
I am also the co-chair of
This years fundraising auction for the school.

Each class creates a project to auction off.
The room mothers are in charge of organizing this task.
Since I am a room mom and can sew.
Guess what that means?

Yep. You guessed it.
Chace's class project is a quilt!
My thought was to give each child
A white square of fabric, have them draw a letter of the alphabet
And then have them draw items that start with that letter.

I will then sew the blocks together
And appliqué fabric letters in each block.
I think it will work.
Or at least I hope it will work.

Yesterday was the day
That we created the drawing on the blocks.
We heard some awesome things from the children.

Like:

" I play a angry birds so I am going to draw a red bird"

" my brother is going to be so surprised to see me"

" my mom is really good at drawing penguins"

" I don't know how to draw"

And my personal favorite:

" when my mom gets nervouse she chews her hair"

I am sure the parents of these children
Would be thrilled to know what their kids
Were sharing with the room moms while drawing.

Note to self: maybe I should always be the room mom!

A breakthrough

I hesitate to say this out loud
But I think we have turned a corner
In the potty training department.

Over the Christmas holiday
Chace started telling us when he had
To pee, but the pooping department
Has been a struggle to say the least

Ok, let's be honest
I was a full on battle of wills
He knew it was important to us
So he refused to go anywhere but his underwear.

We even made him clean
His poopy underwear in a bucket 
Of water with gloves in the basement
This did not phase him one bit.

Talk about hardheaded
I don't know where he gets that from!

Then something happened on Wednesday
He started telling us when he had to poop!
I didn't want to get my hopes up.
But since Wednesday all poop has gone
Where it belongs, the toilet.

I am hopeful we have turned the corner.
Ok, beyond hopeful.
The breakthrough over the holidays
Was preceded by two days of absolutely horrible behavior.
We survived two days of such behavior this week.

Fingers crossed people
Fingers crossed!

unexpected strength

there is a distinct scent
that i associate with cooper.
in those early days after his death
that scent could bring me to my knees.
particularly, if it was unexpected.

i have not smelled that in a long time.
until tonight, that is....

i was in the middle of sun salutations
when i caught the all to familiar smell.
i just thought it was my mind
playing tricks on me.

as i continued to move through my practice
the smell got stronger.
then it dawned on me.

we were out of tide and ph
washed the clothes with the baby detergent.
the same one i used on cooper's clothes.
incidentally, i used a different detergent for chace.

an unexpected shift happened.
instead of falling apart when the scent hit my nose.
i dug deep and found an unexpected strength.
i took deeper breathes and stayed present.

i felt his presence in every pose.
in side plank, it was as if my hand
was reaching toward his.
my heart opened up reaching toward
the sky in revolved half moon.
and during shivasana  there was a peace
i haven't felt before.

yes there was an incredible physical strength i felt tonight
but the more meaningful was the emotional strength
that showed up, representing another important step in the healing process.

thank you my sweet cooper
for the gifts you continue to give.
xoxo

morning conversation

thursday morning i was in the shower

chace comes in the bathroom 

and pokes his little face around 

the shower curtain.

he looks and me and the following conversation took place

chace: mommy i have a penis

me: yes you do.

chace: do you have a penis?

me: nope.

chace: i have one, look. 

(he then proceeded to pull down his underwear to show me)

i am not ready.