10:21 am

Friday, December 18, 2009

time of of death was 10:21 am on december 18, 2008.

it is also the exact time that my heart shattered into a million pieces, our lives forever changed and we became part of a club where membership is not sought.

cooper's death was unexpected and caught every one of guard, including the cardiac team. but there was part of me that knew, knew he would only be on earth for a short time. i don't know how i knew, call it a mother's intuition, or a gut feeling.

everything after 10:21 am was a blur, yet i remember every single detail of the events as the unfolded. i was numb. i didn't know i could experience hurt so deep and so raw. i didn't know how i was going to put one foot in front of the other, or how i was going to find joy again. hell, all i wanted to do was crawl in a deep dark hole and never ever come out.

but here i am a year later and this is what i know:

** my heart has mended, but will never heal completely. it will always be scarred.

** the ache is still there, but it's not constant. it ebbs and flows, a characteristic of grief.

**losing cooper has become a part of who i am, but his loss does not define me.

** moving through grief is a choice i make every single day. i had two choices, let it cripple me for the rest of my life or do the hard work to heal. i chose the latter.

** even though cooper is not here, i have a relationship with him that is real and it is strong. i feel his presence daily.

** my relationship with my precious husband is stronger than ever. i love him more than i thought possible. it is his love that saves me every single day.

** i am thankful for my dear friends and family that have allowed me to feel whatever i needed to feel, whenever i needed to feel it. this played a critical role in my healing.

** the kindness and support of strangers continues to amaze me, whether through creating cooper birds, reading the words i write or leaving words of encouragement. i cherish it all.

** that the ultimate way to honor cooper is to continue to live, find joy, treasure the little things and give him a little brother to watch over.

and finally, i will be a better mother, wife, friend and daughter because of the love i have for cooper.


  1. beautiful Lucinda. my heart goes out to you on this hard anniversary day. you are such a source of strength and inspiration for us all, as is your sweet little cooper. he will never be forgotten!

  2. Dear Lucinda,
    I remember the day I found your blog ... I was deeply touched and I suffered with you this incredible pain. Now I see how strong you are, what a loving mother, wife, friend you are! It soothes my mind and it gives me courage, 'cause in the meantime I fell ill with cancer and have to cope with this rupture in my own life. Thanks for being the way you are, for sharing your struggling, your hurting, your walking through the valley of death ... and finding the sunlight again! So I'm "taking a leaf out of your book", knowing, hoping that happiness and laughter will come back one day ... and, hopefully, health too. Thank you!
    Sincerely yours,

  3. I just found your blog and am amazed at your strength and courage. There are so many things that you said above - the loss does not define you, you could let this cripple you for life or not and that was your choice. I have two friends who lost children and I often wonder how they get through the day. Reading your post above, I know. I hope that you and your family have a happy holiday this year, knowing what lies ahead of you in the months to come.

  4. I just found your blog and my heart goes out to you as you continue to mourn your tremendous loss. One thing that you said really struck me: "the ultimate way to honor cooper is to continue to live, find joy, treasure the little things..." As I mourn my mother's recent passing, I keep this in mind when I have low days. It's like it's our responsibility as the ones left behind, to put one foot in front of the other and continue to find beauty in life. Hugs to you and your family.