i have a broken heart, there is just no other way to describe it. my heart hurts so badly today and no matter how hard i try to distract myself i cant seem to ease the pain.
i know its how grief works; you move forward so you can move backwards, you get up, to get knocked on your ass and you find a way to laugh again, so that you can cry an inordinate amount of tears.
but knowing how grief works does not make it any easier, does not make the pain less and does not even begin to mend my broken heart.
my heart aches so bady for my little cooper, to hold him, to smell him, to hear his squeaky noises and to kiss his sweet little face. and in between the heartache and sadness there is an anger brewing. i dont want to be angry, anger scares me, but i am mad as hell that cooper was taken away from us. there are people who have children that should not have children, jamey and i are not those people, we were good parents. and that is what makes me angry, we wanted cooper so badly and waited so long for him, and we loved him so much and we get dealt this blow, not those that should not have children.
i know i can not stay angry, that cooper would not want me to be angry. anger is not who i am, but sometimes anger is easier to deal with than a broken heart.