Sunday, January 4, 2009

i have always been a list maker. it doesnt matter what the task is; grocery shopping, knitting, work, daily tasks, you name it, and i will make a list. and nothing feels better than crossing something off of the list. i think that it helps me make sense of the chaos of life or maybe it gives me a sense of control.

so it came as no surprise to me when i announced to jamey the other day that we needed to make a list of the things that we needed to get done before we leave on vacation. in fact i made two lists: one was related to the house and life, and the other was related to cooper. within minutes of sitting down i had created two lengthy lists and for a brief moment asserted some calm in my life which most of the time feels so out of control.

what did i put on my lists, some things were mundane tasks like taking down the xmas tree or making phone calls and other were major undertakings like packing up the kitchen. we are having our kitchen gutted and remodeled while we are away.

the thing i have learned about grief in the past two weeks is that it hits you when you least expect it. that one moment you are fine and moving through your day and the next moment you find yourself sitting in the basement surrounded by boxes of formula, diapers and other unused baby items sobbing uncontrollably. grief arrives in waves, knocks you over and disappears as quickly as it rolled in, but it never stays away for long it is always lurking around the corner. and lists help you get through the grief, they give you a sense of purpose, a reason to get dressed in the morning, they make the chaos that grief creates somewhat tolerable, even controlable for a brief moment.

we have crossed two thing off our list today.

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