there is a nature preserve not far from our house, near lake ontario, where we love to take the dogs. it has been part our routine for the last two years. when i was pregnant we would walk in the woods and talk about how we couldnt wait to go there with cooper, how we would bundle him in patagonia in the winter and watch him fall in love with the snow and the outdoors.
despite it being 13 degrees outside and almost a foot of fresh snow, we decided to go there today. it was a beautiful day. the sun was actually shining. the way the light was shining through the evergreens and hitting the untracked snow made me think of cooper, that even though it wasnt how I imagined him experiencing one of our favorite places, he was still there with us, watching the dogs play in the snow and us taking in the stillness and quiet that always accompanies fresh snowfall.
it also got me thinking about time. cooper was born on a thursday at 10:51 pm and died on a thursday at 10:20 am. i dont know how to track time....he would have been 5 weeks old today and he has been gone for 2 weeks.... what do i count? how old he would have been or how long he has been gone?
it feels like an eternity since i last held him and kissed his sweet little face. i have clothes that still smell like him and i dread the day that time changes that as well.... they say time heals all wounds, i do not think that time can fix my heart or take away the hurt.....but maybe time can mend it just a little.
that is my wish for 2009.
we hope that you and your have a healthy and peaceful new year