8 weeks old

Thursday, January 22, 2009

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today you would have been 8 weeks old. maybe that is why i dreamt of you all night, which made me wake up missing you more than usual. my dreams were so vivid and real, i could feel you in my arms and close to my heart. you just snuggled right up and i could smell that sweet smell of yours.

i never knew how capable i was of loving until i met you, how much my heart could expand and i am so grateful for what you taught me, but i also never knew how much my heart could break. losing you caused a pain so deep and raw, so gut-wrenching and intense. cooper, i try to be so strong and brave but there are days that it is just more than i can bear. my heart aches so much that at times it literally takes my breath away.

we leave tomorrow for santa fe and i am having some anxiety about leaving. i have learned to live among your things the past five weeks and have formed a comfortable relationship with them. i know that it will be good for us to get away, but i dont want to leave you here. i know that you will be going with us in your own way, but it is not how i want it to be, not how it is supposed to be.

you come to me in birds, in light, and song. you always seem to know when i need to see you. i hope that you travel to santa fe and mexico. i want you to know cooper that you are always with me. i love you so much and miss you more than i can express. i waited my whole life for you and know that in that waiting i loved you the entire time. and even though you were taken from us, my love is stronger than ever.

loving you and missing you every moment of the day

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