morning conversation

thursday morning i was in the shower

chace comes in the bathroom 

and pokes his little face around 

the shower curtain.

he looks and me and the following conversation took place

chace: mommy i have a penis

me: yes you do.

chace: do you have a penis?

me: nope.

chace: i have one, look. 

(he then proceeded to pull down his underwear to show me)

i am not ready.

Resolutions

i mentioned in an earlier post
i  are some resolutions for 2013.
they are more like goals
or promises to myself.

i have them in my head
written down in a place
that no one knows.
but I haven't written them here.
on this blog.

why?
for fear of being vulnerable.
for fear of feeling  imperfect if I could not keep them.
rather than having compassion for myself
for making promises, my fear has kept me
from sharing them with you.

so rather than acting of fear
and keeping them locked away
i am going to act out of love
and post them here.

here we go.

* in 2013 I want to have my blog turned into books. Not books to sell but books for preserve what I have documented over the lat 4 years. Something for Chace when he is older.

* in 2013 also want to write a book using my blog as the guide. This overwhelms me. But I know in my heart that need to do.

* in 2013 i hope to continue to grow lucends. To take the next step while remaining true to myself and allowing the business to grow organically.

* in 2013 I need to go visit some of my friends that live in far away places. I need to see them. They make me a better person. I have said that I am going to visit and the life gets in the way. It's time to go visit.

* in 2013 I need to be kinder to my body. To eat cleaner. To take in less toxins, primarily diet coke. Oh how I love diet coke, esp first thing in the morning. This being said,  I do not want to eliminate it all together. But if I am honest I can cut back.

*in 2013 i would like to work on patience, patience with ph, patience with chace, patience my loved ones and patience with myself.

*in 2013 i would like to work on giving up my need for perfect parenting. i am going to make mistakes, but putting so much pressure on myself make me miss out on the joy of parenthood. chace made need therapy as a result of my parenting, which is not a bad thing, but he will know how much he is loved.

these are my hopes for the year.
thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable
to  be my true self.

xoxo

A shift on the mat

there has been a shift,
a shift taking place
on my yoga mat

i don't know what to make of it, yet.

i noticed it yesterday
and figured it was because
i had not practiced in 3 weeks.
i noted the change and kept moving.

tonight the feeling was still there.
things feel different.
i don't know why, really.

maybe it's because i am not trying so hard.
maybe i am letting myself be vulnerable.
maybe i have let me walls down, inside the studio.
maybe its because i am so hard on myself in my daily life,
that i just am cutting myself some slack.

i cant put my finger on the shift.

i feel more in my body and out of my head.
my thoughts are not bombarding me.
i am listening to my body.
my movements are more deliberate.
i am less focused on message from the instructor,
finding my own message along the way.

i am not sure why the shift has taken place
or what it means.
but for now i am just going to find an acceptance of it.
but i am open to explanations.....

hello? are you still there?

happy 2013.
i hope you and yours had a great holiday.
we had a one filled with family
friends, food, magic and lots of germs.

we are home.
and settling into 2013.
its like a pair of jeans,
you have wear them a while
to decide if they are going to
become your favorite.

i made a list of goals for 2013.
they have earned their own post.
this is a first, but there is so much in my head
it warranted a list.

in the weeks since i last wrote
i have come face to face with the challenges of parenting.
it can be ugly and hard.
but thank goodness for the moments, however fleeting of pure bliss.

i laughed until i cried
while watching this is 40.
the reality of that number sinking in.

i moved through the anniversary
of cooper's death with relative ease.
a sure sign of continued healing.

chace has made significant strides
in the potty training department.
however, much to my chagrin i
am still cleaning poop out of underwear.

i ate my way through the holidays.
gaining 5 pounds in a short period.
oops.

i seem to be reminded of the fragility
of life and the need to live each moment
to the fullest.
it can change in an instant.

i am excited and hopeful
for what this year holds.
i can not wait to share the journey
with you.

xoxo

Playing in my mind

This song is one that reminds me of cooper.
It has been playing in my mind since Friday.

*******************

Who you'd be today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin in the rain
I still can't believe your gone

It ain't fair: you died too young
Like the story that had just begun.
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how much I miss you.
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin no one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today?

Would you see the work? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair : you died too young
Like the story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you
All the hell I've been through
Just knowin no one could take your place.
An sometimes I wonder
Who you'd be today?

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I will see you again some day.

no words

there are no words
for the events that took
place today in newtown ct.

there are no words.
there is sadness.
there is outrage.
there is immense grief.
but there are no words.

my heart hurts
for the families of those
precious children whose
lives were cut short.

i wish i could hold
each of their parents.
i would tell them i understand
how their heart is shattered
in a million pieces.

i would tell them
that their grief is my grief.
i would tell them that i feel
the weight of their loss.

i would tell them
that i know this club
they have unwilling entered.

i would hold them close.
i would absorb their tears.
i would listen to their screams.
i would just be there,
knowing that there is nothing
that can make it hurt less.

and i would tell them
that out of the darkness comes light.
it may take days, weeks, months or years,
but the light will come.

they must hold on to the
knowledge and hope that it will come.
and until that day arrives, there are many people
who are shining the light on them
and their sweet precious angels.

Underground

lately,  I have been underground
i haven't had much to say.
but my mind has been busy.
constantly moving while working.

trying to honor the past
while staying in the present.
dreading this time of year
but finding myself viewing the magic
of Christmas through chace's eyes.

music has always played a role in my world
specifically lyrics.
words have the ability to calm me
and help sort out whatever emotion I am feeling.

so while I have been working away in
my sewing room I have been listening
to songs that remind me of cooper
and the emotions this time of year bring.

i thought I would share some of those
songs with you over the next few days.
-----------------------------------------------------

"over  you"

weatherman said its gonna snow
by now I said be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldnt be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the present, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you and I am not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along with every song
I know you didn't mean to leave them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I 'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I'm not going to ever get over you

-miranda lambert
How dare you?
I miss you