things i am afraid to tell you

this week athena had this post on her blog.
it moved me, spoke to me and made me think
so i thought i would play along.

i am about to jump off into the unknown with my business
and it scares me to death.
it makes me feel vulnerable, inadequate and totally overwhelmed.
(dont worry i will soon let you in on what i have been working on).

i am terrified of failure.

i am a southern girl at heart.
there is part of my soul that longs to be in texas.
that feels so homesick for place that is the core of my being.
and despite living in new york state for 14 years,
i still feel like a fish out of water.

there are days when i am so busy with chace
that i dont think about cooper
and this makes me feel incredibly guilty.

i get very cranky when i do not have time to be creative.
it seems that lately there are not enough hours in the day
to accomplish what i want....this leads to me being in a funk.
the only way to come out of the funk, is a meltdown.
dramatic, no?

i listen to my music really loud when i am working.
and sometimes will play a song over and over and over.

i am afraid that i will never master crow, half moon, or full wheel.
even though i know that yoga is not about perfection,
i want it to be perfect.

i am a control freak.

i do not clean.
when ph and i met i told him this tidbit
and informed him that he would have to clean or hire someone.
he cleans.

i am really shy.
this is usually mistaken for other not so nice
characteristics, but it takes me a while to warm up.

i like to watch people.
sometimes too intensely.

i am terrified of being a bad mother.

xoxoxo

tuesday tidbits

** i can not believe that it has been a week since i blogged.

** things have been pretty hectic around here.

** summer is in full swing.

** but i am having a hard time carving out time to get work done.

** chace started swim lessons yesterday.

** he desperately wants to jump off the diving board.

** i am fairly confident that if i put him on the board he would jump.

** tomorrow we are going to pick raspberries.

** this will require some kind of baking i am sure.

** skinny girl cocktails continues to be summer drink.

** i am reading a great book called, lone wolf.

** it has a fascinating account of wolf pack behavior.

** i also read stephanie neilson's, heaven is here.

** it was heart wrenching to read, but very worth it.

** i recommend both of them.

** ph is making pizza.

** i am hungry.

** looks like we are heading to greece this summer.

** we are beyond excited.

** happy tuesday ya'll.

** xoxo

tuesday tidbits

** we had a great day today.

** chace and i spent the morning at the pool.

** enjoyed a picnic in out swimsuits.

** took a nap

** got some work done.

** drove the loader at the nursery.

** amazing yoga class with very timely message.

** ph is making pizza.

** it is tuesday, ya'll.

** i have been listening to the kenny chesney's welcome to the fishbowl album.

** my favorite song it "i am a small town"

** it has got me thinking about the west texas town i grew up in.

** that i couldnt wait to leave

** and swore i would never return.

** it wasnt so bad.

** it was a great place to grow up.

** truth be told, i have a lot of great memories from that small town.

**i  am embarking on the next phase of lucends.

** i will be able to share more in the weeks ahead,

** i am excited, nervous and vulnerable all at the same time.

** but i know things are working, working as they should.

** i just need to trust the process.

** trust where i am, in this moment, in this place.

** and be present.

** xoxo

it is hard not to laugh

i understand that the rule
of thumb is that when your
toddler does something you do not like,
you are not supposed to laugh,
even if they are funny.

but i have to tell you
sometimes that is the hardest thing
in the world to do.

this evening
chace wanted a glass of milk
before he went up for his bath.

now i knew better than to give
it to him without a lid on it.
i knew that as soon as i turned
my back that chace would dump it on the floor.

but i was hopeful
that the out come would be different.

sure enough.
milk was all over the floor.
i was cleaning it up.
chace was attempting to help.
his father told him to help clean up the mess.
he proceeded to get close to my face,
point his little finger and say
" no way."

i lost it.
i coud not help but laugh.
it is too funny!
better luck next time.

a moment

Hand foot and what?

It has been a rough couple of days
Long sleepless nights
many many tears cried
And it is only Wednesday.

Chace has been sick.
We thought it was an ear infection.
Well, it was an ear infection.

 But instead of getting better
And returning to his usual charming self
He has turned into something else
At one point this afternoon I was certain
that a small monster Had possessed his body during nap time.

He has been complaining that his mouth hurt
He has not wanted to eat or drink
He even turned down cookies and puddin
My child was sick, but with what?

I called the dr during his outburst
And with desperation in my voice
Told them I had to bring him in to be seen.

I was hanging on to the end of my rope
While preparing for the onslaught of tears
That were threatening to come crashing down.

We arrived at the dr Office
With no shoes, a dirty ducky
And a sobbing child.
Not one of my prouder parenting moments

The dr took one look at him
And said he has hand foot and mouth disease.
Let me look in his throat.
Yep, see all those sores?

Yes I see them.
No wonder he doesn't want to eat or drink.
But can you back up?
He has what? And why?
It sounds like something out if the dark ages.
Oh, and by the way I am mortified.

After a series of explanations and instructions.
He sent us in our way.

Chances are we will have a couple of more rough days
And Sleepless nights.
Maybe he will give up the paci
Because it hurts.

 Oh, and I am having a cocktail or two!

tuesday tidbits

** yaya is here.

** chace is so happy to see her.

** in fact, ph and i are chopped liver.

** chace is also sick.

** what a way to start summer.

** this means that we are been in the house for the past two days.

** it was texas hot yesterday.

** today it has rained all day.

** i am loving the new essie summer colors.

** i picked out mojito madness yesterday during my monthly mani/pedi.

** it is a fun green color.

** i have not  been very productive the last few days.

** this needs to change.

** i can not wait for trader joes to open at the end of the summer.

** chace is currently sitting in yaya's lap and watching soccer.

** its pretty cute.

** i need to go to wegman's.

** and i need a starbucks pick me up.

** ok, back to it..

** happy tuesday.

blue lily rocks

i have been obsessively
checking my email
waiting for an email
from wendy and tyler to arrive
letting me know our pictures were finished.

last night
that email arrived.
i squealed.
i did a happy dance.
and i giggled.

these are some of my favorites.
xoxo

friends

tuesday tidbits

** the necklace that i have worn since cooper died broke today.

** well the chain broke.

** i am on the 4th chain.

** i need to order another one.

** i feel funny without.

** tomorrow is the last day of school.

** where did the year go?

**we are having a end of the year celebration lunch with gianna after school.

** it is going to be an adjustment for me to have him home all the time.

** he will do three weeks of camp at school.

** one week a month.

** yaya comes to visit on thursday.

** i am very excited.

** our time together in austin was so rushed.

** she will be here a week.

** i hope she brings the sunshine and warm  weather with her.

** i  hope that our pictures from bluelily arrive in my inbox soon.

** i am dying to see them.

** pizza night.

** happy tuesday !

homecoming

i grew up in the barn,
mucking stalls, cleaning tack
and riding any number of horses
on a given afternoon.

some were mine,
some were horses
that needed to be ridden
and some were ponies
i was training.

i was consumed by all things
horse for many years,
and truth be told there is nothing
i would like more than to return to the saddle.

i was good.
i was really good.
and i know that would not change,
but horses are not in my budget.

but i have found a surrogate
a way to enjoy the barn and horse shows
without having to spend my money.

valerie's daughter gianna
who is three rides.
today she had a horse show
chace and i went to watch her.

as soon as i stepped out of the car
i was transported to another place and time.
the sights, smells and sounds were a homecoming.
however, i saw all the activity through the eyes of a parent.

mothers and fathers were talking to their children
trying to help in anyway they could.
getting food, drinks, holding horses, and braiding hair.
locating numbers, lost jackets and helmets.
and giving a leg up before going into the ring.

i also saw the worried look in their eyes.
the silent prayer that said
please let them be ok,
please them have a good round.
please do not let them fall.
please do not let them forget their course.

while not much rattled be when i was
the one on the horse.
i am not sure i have the stomach to
be a horse show parent.

but i am happy to be part of the gianna's
team, to take pictures and cheer her on
as long as her horse career lasts.