tuesday tidbits

** the bean slept from 10 pm to 3 am last night.

** precious husband and i woke up startled that he had been sleeping so long and checked numerous times to make sure he was still breathing.

** bean is still very cranky in the mornings.

** man that kid has a set of lungs.

** for a closer, in depth look at our photo shoot, check out the photographers blog post.

** precious husband had to report for jury duty this week.

** and he was picked to sit on a jury.

** yes ash, i know you hope for jurors like ph.

**it is supposed to be 80 here on saturday.

** i am not sure i am ready for 80 degree weather yet.

** i wore non-maternity pants for our lunch outing today.

** i thought this was a good idea, but about half way into my drive realized that i may have jumped the gun just a bit.

** perhaps it was the muffin top they created.

** guess i was excited about the 4.5 pounds i have lost, i still have a ways to go.

** 8 more string blocks to make, then on to sewing them together.

breathless

a glimpse

last night after three attempts to get the bean to go to sleep, i crawled into bed and breathed a sigh of relief when my head hit the pillow. i was off duty, the day was over and sleep was just around the corner.

as i settled in, precious husband, who had been watching the back of his eyelids for some time, snuggled up to me. he then said " did you take your medicine?" i realized he was asleep and i wasn't sure what he was talking about so i replied " yes". he then asked again " you did take your medicine?" i think to myself, what is he talking about. so, i ask, "what medicine?" his response "your grumpy medicine."

what do you think is he trying to tell me?

_____________________________________________________________

this morning i am in the nursery trying to get the bean to take a morning nap, which by the way was a complete disaster. after an hour and a half of him falling asleep, me putting him down, him waking up 10 minutes later, i gave up. he is currently in the baby k'tan fighting the need to sleep.

but i digress, while the bean and i were doing our dance, b came in the room and was nosing around. he walks up to the crib, peers inside and starts sniffing the air. he is looking for the bean, i say to myself, how cute. i then notice that the hair behind his ears is starting to stick out, a sure sign that wildness is just around the corner. he is also staring very intently into the corner of the crib and starts to whine. it then dawns on me that he wants the stuffed moose that is in the crib.

i sure hope that the bean picks his blanket to be his "lovey" and not a stuffed animal.

thief

for the past two days we have had two incidents of theft here on newberry lane. all iphones, computers, electronics and jewelry are accounted for, but the bean is down two stuffed animals. we do however, know who the thief is, a 130 pound, 4 legged white ball of fluff. yes, b is guilty as charged.

you see great pyrenees love stuffed animals and toys. i can not tell you how many are buried in our back yard. b will dig one up to show us and then rebury it. my parents pyrenees, bella also buries her babies, but she leaves the heads above ground so they can breathe.

you would think that i would notice such a large thief, but he is sneaky.

yesterday he went into the bean's closet and took his new stuffed monkey. he did this while i was in the room, but i was busy with the bean. he then proceeded to bury it in the living room. well, he went through the motions of burying it. we don't have the heart to tell him that we can see it. several hours later he "dug" it up to show me his treasure. i just looked at him and said, "well i guess it is your monkey now."

oh b....

this morning i was downstairs on the computer feeling pretty happy with myself because the bean was napping in his crib for the third morning in a row. when all of a sudden i hear this strange noise coming through the monitor. i hit the video button and all i saw was snow. weird. i listened a little longer and heard the bean, since i could not see him i decided to go upstairs. when i reach the top of the stairs i see b coming out of his room, he had opened the door, and he was nudging the sleepy turtle on the floor. you know the turtle that shows stars on the ceiling, it has a hard shell and a soft head. b had the turtle out on its back and was trying to get it to play with him. he had this wild look in his eye. i picked it up and he started hopping and jumping trying to get it. i had to quickly jump into the nursery and close the door fast, he was on the move. i promptly hid the turtle in the closet where he cant reach it and closed the door. when i let him in, he was looking for it and was most upset that it was gone. needless to say the bean woke up.

oh b.......

tuesday tidbits

** the spring like weather we were having last week is gone, its cold and rainy again.

** having long hair and a newborn makes you destined to have spit up as your newest hair styling product.

** i am learning to celebrate the small victories, like bean taking a 45 minute nap in his crib two days in a row.

** i can now get dressed at record breaking pace.

** the baby k'tan carrier is really brilliant. bean sleeps like a champ in it.

** and i am able to do things like blog, knit and sew.

** its a win, win.

** watched alot of march madness over the weekend.

** we are routing for cornell on thursday. but they are playing kentucky.

** but anything is possible, that is why its called march madness.

** weight watchers is well weight watchers.

** despite my attempt to keep my diet coke consumption low, it is slowly creeping back up.

** i guess there are worse things.

** poop is still a major topic of daily conversation.

** i am not sure how i feel about that.

** we had the bean's photos taken last friday by this fabulous photog.

** i go look at the proofs on friday.

** cant wait to see them and share them with you.

** there were some awesome moments, which equal awesome pics.

half way there

my brother L, asked me to make him a queen size quilt for his bed. he wanted something that was urban and modern with shades of black, grey and white. he left the design and color combination up to me. i decided to try a new technique with this quilt, paper pieced string blocks. the final quilt will consist of a combination of solid blocks and string blocks. in order to make this happen, i need to make 40 string blocks.

as of this afternoon, i have 20 more blocks to make. thankfully, i have figured out how to sew these blocks while baby wearing,

this is what each string block will look like when sewn together. i love the way this looks and can definitely see another string block quilt in my future.

stay tuned to see how this quilt progresses.......

bean moments

i am

TIRED..... and i am not talking about the kind of tired that comes from lack of sleep.

i am emotionally exhausted. i am spent, the tank is on empty.

i am tired of grieving and mourning cooper. i am ready to be done. ready to put it on a shelf. save it for a rainy day or when i want to deal with those emotions. i remember when R looked at me and said that year 2 is often harder for parents than year 1. i thought he was crazy. well, he may have a point.

i have been missing cooper lately and let me tell you, it is a delicate dance i do between mourning him and being excited over chace. a constant ebb and flow of emotions, of wear and tear on my heart. you see while chace has helped to mend my heart, to give me purpose and make us a family, the scar on my heart has reopened. chace looks so much like cooper, that his death is tangible once again, not some series of events recorded in my head. i am constantly reminded of what i lost. and with that reminder comes a fear that i will be forced to endure another loss. its easy for my mind to go there, because i know what that road is like, fortunately i have the ability to stop myself. but this is hard, especially when you are sleep deprived.

the perception i have is that people (family, friends and acquaintances) think that i am better, now that chace is here. that i have somehow moved on from losing cooper. this does not happen. losing a child is not something one gets over, like a cold. someone asked my mom about us having another child. my mom replied, that she didn't think we would have any more. and the response was i never thought of lucinda only having one child. if i had been a part of that conversation, i would have reminded them that i have two children, one of them is no longer alive, but i have two. i know i cant worry about other people and what they think, but i want those who know me, friends and family alike, to acknowledge that i am still grieving, that my heart still hurts, that i miss cooper terribly and to be patient with me. and don't be offended if i don't let you hold chace, i still feel very protective of my little bean.

yes, i am over the moon about chace. he is perfect. i love him more that i can express. there is not a baby who is more loved or wanted then him. no, i will not be in this emotional place forever. it is part of the healing journey, part of the process and i need to work through it.

not feeling green

i am not a big fan of st. patty's day. i am sure i have some irish blood in me somewhere, and i know that precious husband has some. but i am not one to dress in green or eat corn beef and cabbage today.

don't get me wrong, i have tried to get into the spirit over the years by drinking green beer, sporting some shade of green and even participating in a st patty's day pub crawl when i lived in breckenridge after college. but to me, its just another day.

when i think of st. patrick's day, i am immediately transported to my childhood. i was in the first or second grade at south elementary in brownwood texas. i loved clothes from a very early age. i can even tell you what my first piece of ralph lauren clothing was, a very definitive moment in a young girl's life. it was a sunday evening and i was standing in my closet, on elizabeth drive, looking at my clothes, trying to decided what to wear to school the next day. not liking any of my options, i complained to my mother that i didn't have any thing to wear, bad move on my part. she decided that she was going to try to break my budding fashionista spirit and teach me a valuable lesson. she told me that i could have two outfits to wear all week, and then i would really know what it was like not to have any clothes. talk about humiliating. she picked out two izod outfits that were similar in style, but different colors, one was pink and one was green. they consisted of pants and a striped short sleeve shirt. she held true to her word and made me wear those two outfits all week to school.

i remember that this lesson happened to fall on st. patrick's day and i was very glad that one of my outfits was green so that i wouldn't get pinched by some boy or made fun for not wearing green.

i am not sure if her lesson worked. i still complain about not having anything to wear, that is after all a fashionista's prerogative. but maybe i didn't complain as loudly or maybe i was a little more appreciative of the clothes that were hanging in my closet.

happy st. patty's day to those of you who celebrate the color green!

tuesday tidbits

** it is absolutely gorgeous outside today.

** bean and i just returned from a long walk.

** why is that cranky babies like to sleep in their car seats?

** and why does letting my cranky baby do this make me feel like a bad mom?

**the daffodils are starting to poke out of the ground.

** but i am not getting too excited, yet. we could still very easily get snow until april.

** i hate daylight savings time. it makes a sleep deprived mom, feel well sleep deprived.

** precious husband went back to work yesterday.

** talk about an adjustment.

** but i did make it to my postpartum dr appt and target without the bean crying.

** again, he was fast asleep in his carseat.

** it is very hard to eat healthy when you have a cranky baby that wants to be held.

** wait its hard to eat at all.

** we are going to take the bean to check on cooper's garden this weekend. it is supposed to be 60!

** i have managed to sew some in the past week. that feels good.

** anxiously awaiting the arrival of the bean's birth announcements. they should be here today.

** i wonder how long it will take to get them addressed?

** if i put the bean in his carseat, i bet i can get them done.

** happy tuesday!

dear chace

dear sweet chace,

28 days. its hard to believe that you are one month old.

the past four weeks have been blissful, even if we are sleep deprived. your arrival has made everything right with the world again. we are a family. my heart has mended a little more. and i feel your brother's presence more than ever. he is watching over you i am sure.

you don't like mornings. in fact you seem to hate them, almost as much as you dislike waking up. but you are sleeping in 3 hour blocks at night and for that i am grateful. you seemed to have found your voice and are talking more when you are awake. i love watching you. all the little faces you make, especially when you smirk. your timing is impeccable, you always seem to know when we are talking about you.

the first few weeks were hard for me. you look so much like your brother. and some of your mannerisms are identical. but you have settled into your own little being with your own personality quirks. i recognize so many of them from when you were inside my belly.

your dad goes back to work tomorrow, so it will be you and i during the day. i am looking forward to getting to know you more. in some ways it feels like i have known you all my life and at the same time i am just getting to know you.

i cant even begin to tell you how much i love you, how you have stolen my heart and how you have helped me feel whole again. i am so proud to be your mama. your are my heart.

love you always

mom

finding her mr darcy

we have been friends since we were 12

that's 24 years,

double the amount of years

we didn't know each other.

together we have survived

bad haircuts, bad fashion,

bad boys, and bad cars.

we were side by side

during first loves and first heartbreaks.

we cheered each other on

through grad school and law school.

we have changed addresses more times than we can count.

we planned our weddings, got drunk at each other's first weddings,

spent hours on the phone during our divorces

and laughed till we cried while comparing dating stories.

we have been there for each other through

the most difficult and darkest days

and through the best and most joyous days.

she is the closest thing i have to a sister

and i am so happy that she has finally

found her mr darcy.

they are on the beach

as i type

having a very romantic moment

promising to love each other forever.

she is more than my bff

she is the cheese to my macaroni

and even though we live miles apart

we are never far from each other's heart.

happy wedding day ash!

xoxo

never say never

before i was a parent, i had alot of thoughts and theories about parenting, what i would do and not do, and i was very vocal about them. my mother taught me that saying never was the kiss of death, but i was pretty clear about my parenting thoughts without using the word never.

well, 25 days into this journey of parenthood, i am doing some of the things i didn't think i would ever do. and it is all in the name of sleep.

don't worry, i am not doing anything that requires cps coming in for a home visit. but i am doing things that make life a little easier and allow all of us to sleep. enter exhibit a, letting the bean sleep in our room. we have a hushamok for our room and one for downstairs. he loves it and sleeps while in it. and when the pediatrician said it was fine for him to sleep in it, i breathed a sigh of relief.

enter exhibit b: babywearing. perhaps it seemed a little too hippy and crunchy for my taste. but today, my very own moby wrap arrived in the mail. i tried it on while the bean was sleeping, let me tell you what a sight that was, i got myself all tangled up. i will have precious husband help me later. i think it may make me a little claustrophobic, but if the bean likes it and it allows me to be more productive and him to sleep, so be it.

i am sure that there will be other things that i can add to this list as i continue down this road of parenting. but there are some things that i will not bend on, like letting the bean watch tv before he is 2 years old. but then again, never say never.

tuesday tidbits

** i am loving the sun and spring weather we have had the last few days. we have been out walking as a family, two dogs, two adults and a stroller, quite the family.

** last weekend, my mil was amazed that i could give the bean a bottle while standing up. she attributed this feat to my "shelf" and she wasn't referring to my boobs.

** yes, she actually said "i had a "shelf""

** no, i didn't hit her, but the shock and awe look on precious husband's face, just about knocked her over.

** monday i start weight watchers, return to meal planning and stop eating sweets.

**i still suck at swaddling and am counting down the days until the bean doesn't want to be swaddled.

**oh, what a happy day that will be.

** we tried the halo sleep sack with swaddling capabilities. he HATED them.

** its a fine line between being snug and having freedom for the bean. a very fine line.

** have some new sewing ideas bouncing in my head.

** i am going to attempt to work on my brother's quilt today, if the bean cooperates.

** i loved having my parents here for 3 weeks. i was very sad when they left.

** for the first time i wish i didn't live so far away from them.

** i cant wait to see the daffodils we planted at cooper's garden last fall.

** oh, and the week the bean was born. i got a new pair of prada sunglasses, compliments of my mom.

** precious husband said "i squealed like a little girl."

22 days

today, the bean is 22 days old.

while this is not a remarkable age in terms of newborns, it is a significant number and milestone for me. chace has now lived longer than this brother and i am breathing a sigh of relief. as we move forward on this adventure called parenthood, everything we experience will be new and unique to chace. we can no longer compare our experiences with chace to those we had with cooper.

and this feels good. i feel like a weight has been lifted, both for me and for the bean. he is no longer living in the shadow of his older brother. he still looks like cooper in a lot of ways, but as he grows he will continue to develop into his own person.

nothing could make me happier than to see who becomes.

lessons learned

** the bean hates mornings. this is no surprise, really, because i am not a fan of mornings. when i owned the yarn shop i didn't open the doors until noon, and would usually sleep until 11. if i could just get the bean to sleep the morning away. i keep telling him that is the key to avoiding the dreaded time. we will keep working on it.

**i discovered the best app for my iPhone, white noise. when the bean is cranky, the sound of the hair dryer seems to calm him. now i can just use the app on my phone, rather than holding a hair dryer in his ear.

**motherhood makes you do things you never saw yourself doing. say like, making up silly words to songs to calm your screaming baby or choreographing a dance at 2 in the morning to get your child to fall asleep. i call that dance the hula, jiggle, pat dance. and no i will not demonstrate it.

**i am learning to trust my instincts, though i doubt them a million times a day. i tell myself that no one knows my baby like, i do. i did carry him for 9 months after all.

**parenting is a privilege, an honor and the opportunity of a lifetime.

a dogs life

remember this post about our four legged family members?

well, they are shall we say adjusting to life with the bean. some days they are perfect angels, and other days, they are jealous siblings.

** every time we leave the house with the bean, they always make sure that we return with him. they both have to look in the car seat, to see for themselves that he is indeed here to stay and that we have not come home emptied handed.

** sabre likes to lick bean's head, bailey would prefer to rest his head on top of bean. we advise against that behavior.

** sabre is angry because he cant see into the hammock. we had it closer to the couch with cooper and sabre would peer in every time he made a squeak. now he sits on the floor and stares up at the hammock with a most disgruntled look on his face because he cant see the bean.

** the other night, bailey decided to eat our dinner of left over short ribs while we were not looking. they were on the counter and precious husband walked in, to find bailey on his hind legs, with his front paws on the counter, licking the last of short ribs from his mouth. oh bailey.

** bailey also got a bark collar this week. it has helped to control his barking. i was terribly afraid that the bean's first words were going to be "bailey no". now we have a chance that they might be something more touching.

**both dogs are the only ones around here that are getting any sleep. they could care less when we get up in the middle of the night.

thankfully, neither one of them has eaten a poopy diaper, but i am guessing it is only a matter of time.

tuesday tidbits

** i asked my mom to stay another week. i was not ready for her to go home yet.

** mom and i are going to scott miller today, she is getting a mani/pedi and i am getting my haircut and highlighted!

** this makes me very happy!

** i was so sad for the USA hockey team. i wanted them to win, so badly.

** but it was a great game.

** tonight we are having steak for dinner. i am craving a beer.

** i am itching to get sewing again.

** i went to the doctor yesterday because my incision was hurting, big time.

** turns out, it was infected. or at least the beginning of an infection.

** am now taking antibiotics. hopefully, that will take care of it.

** it is taking MUCH longer to recover than i would like.

** my friend alli, tommy's mom, started a blog. it is great.

family photos