carving out space

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

i would not have been a good mother at 25, or 27 or even 30. i suppose i would have risen to the occasion, but i might not have. i wasn't sure of who i was at that age, nor did i know what was important to me. and i had no idea how hard it is to be a parent, a good parent.

while i believe that i will be a much better mother to the bean at age 36, there is a downfall to being older. my life has been my own for some time now, i did what i wanted, when i wanted. even though i have not had a regular job since i closed the yarn shop, my days are still very structured, each day has a " to do " list, and i spend much of the day creating. or at least this is how it was before the bean was born. i am quickly learning that my days are not mine any more. that what i accomplish in a day depends on the bean. and well, i am having a hard time adjusting, which according to my obgyn, this is normal for new moms who are driven, type a personality individuals.

i have a hard time accepting the fact that i may have to put my creativity on hold. this does not sit well with me, its like putting a steak in front of b and telling him he cant have it. creativity feeds my soul, it is a place for me to put my obsessive energy, it has helped to mend my heart, and has helped me make new friends. creative ideas come to me when i am rocking the bean to sleep at night that i can not ignore. i have a list of ideas on my iphone. i will get to them eventually, some day. i believe that i can find some balance, a happy medium, a way to carve out some creative time and space each day. i believe that this will help me be a better mother, wife and friend. i don't know what that looks like right now, but each day i try to find that space and hope that one day it will feel right.

i am open to suggestions.....


  1. I hate to say this...but your creation is Bean...and what he will become and therefore you will become...I know you will do it well...XOXO

  2. I think what you're doing is working. And it will work better as you get the hang of it.

    Carve that space out - that Y-O-U time and relish in it. Keep those juices flowing as bean drifts to dreamland every night. Sounds like he's a magnificent muse.

    And don't feel bad that you "selfishly" want you time.'re a mother. a parent. but you're still luc. your own woman.

    And she deserves time, too.

    Don't forget it! Don't begrudge it. And most importantly, don't stifle it.

    You may not have to put anything on HOLD...but instead you might have to realize that things are inevitably going to progress at a much slower rate. But progress is still forward motion.



  3. I feel your frustration. With 3 kids (7,3 and 1.5), I do a lot more thinking about knitting and sewing than actually knitting and sewing. It's hard to balance everything. I like the way that you expressed it in your post. The Bean is adorable.

  4. I felt the same way as you. I actually looked forward to going back to work after my son was born because I knew I could count on having my lunch hour all to myself most days. I don't know what to tell you except it gets easier with time. For me it took a year before I felt in control of my life again. Also, as Bean gets older you can do creative things together - maybe thinking about what those project might be will help.

  5. Ok, you asked for advise and I have been really feeling the burn lately with Tommy being 3 and being totally jealous of Charlie lately, so here is what I tell myself to get through the day...

    #1 lower your expectations. Remember that quilt I just finished? It took me 6 months. But, the point is I did finish it. I vacumed the upstairs yesterday. I felt like superwoman.

    #2 Give yourself time to adjust. The best piece of advise I got was from my neighbor. She told me to give myself a year to get used to being a stay at home mom. It is a whole different world that no one else understands except other stay at home moms.

    #3 Understand how fleeting their infancy is. The thing about these kids is that once they are grown, it's over. That's it. Done. You only get one shot. No ripping it out or tearing out seams.

    #4 Don't fight it. People hate to hear this and it took me a really long time to come to terms with this, but I think that when the kids are little like this, babies, they completely consume you. Even when you aren't with them you think about them all the time. Finally, I just let go and jumped in. The house is a mess. I am a mess. I never put on makeup anymore and all I do is talk about them, but this is where I am right now. I am a MOM. You just have to say that to yourself. I AM A MOM. It so sucks sometimes, but seriously, you are the most important thing in that babies life. Dads are good and all, but you are it. You are Mom. You are the sun and the moon and the stars for this kid. This is who you are...right now. This is the season of life you are in. Own it. Being a mom is a lot of sacrifice. It is so worth it my friend. I promise, promise, promise. And remember, I am driving a minivan for those boys, so it must be true.

    #5 It gets better. Once they get a little older it is much easier. Once they hit 3, you start to get your freedom back a little. You just have to think of these years as your gift to Chace. Let me just say, I definitely feel like I have given my life up for these boys, and there is NO ONE else I would do it for.

    #6 Keep writing it all down. Keep a list of things you want to do so that when you do have the time, you have something to do. When you do have a little of your life back, you will be able to jump right in.

    The worst part for me was becoming the cliche I always made fun of. I am really, really, really sick of crow. But, at least you won't have to drive a minivan.

  6. I think the title of my book is going to be "Searching for the new normal". That's what it feels like. After the first baby..then the next, then the next..then the next. Each time it was different. Each time I had to create a new normal. Accept the fact that your old normal, is well, old and done. You have a new normal. One that has this beautiful child in it. Of course there are still elements of the old normal, but this gets wrapped up in the new...keep telling yourself that you are EXACTLY where you should be and you are doing EXACTLY what you should be doing. The rest will work itself out. One day, as you send Chace off to his first day of school, you might just say..."ahhh, to have those old days back when he was just a baby..." You'll be fine.

  7. Your friend Allison is a very wise young woman.

  8. Allison is right. I went through a lot of the same emotions you are experiencing. Lizzie will be one next week, and I have just started feeling like I could carve out some measurable time for crafting. Lowering your expectations is a huge part of it. You may need to let some other things go (like housework) if you want creating to be a priority. You'll have little waves of freedom for the next year, so enjoy them while you can. Nap time is a gift!