rules were meant to be broken

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

as a general rule i don't like to exercise, particularly not at the gym. although i will admit there have been points in my life where i go through phases and exercise obsessively.

but today i broke my rule , i went to the the gym. you see i am angry. and the anger that i have is seething out of my pores and this dear readers is not a good thing. i don't like anger, it scares me. anger is not a becoming trait nor one that i strive to posses. but i am so mad that my cooper is gone. i see people walking their children in the warm spring air and it infuriates me, i want to tell them "don't you know i lost the most precious thing in the world to me." my family wants to celebrate easter. and that sent me over the edge. why in the world would i want to to celebrate anything these days, much less easter, when i am so angry at god i cant even speak to him. i see people going about their day without a care in the world and i want to shake them. i know that anger is part of the process, but i need to figure out how to put my anger in a nice, neat little package and store it on the shelf.

i have tried screaming into a pillow, hitting the bed as hard and as fast as i can with my fists, crying it out and talking it out. but none of these things have worked. so i took my anger out on the elliptical machine. and i have to tell you, it felt good to have all that anger leave my body in the form of sweat. i felt good to get all that toxic energy and emotion out of my body. and when i left, i could actually enjoy the spring like weather. i could grocery shop without an extreme bout of grocery store rage.

so here's to taking my aggression out on the machines at the gym, which will allow me to be a little nicer to those around me and myself . and who knows i might lose the last 10 pounds of cooper weight in the process.


  1. i would love to think that i'd be a good person and not begrudge others' happiness in that way, but i'm well aware that i'd be feeling the exact same feelings (and possibly worse) if i were that upset.

    what amazes me is that you were able to channel it in such an effective way. i can only hope that, given the same challenges, i can rise to the occasion as well as you have.

  2. Everyone has to work through their grief in their own way. Kudos to you for not injuring yourself or others!

    On a different note, I saw this necklace and thought of you and Cooper. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have shown it to you...

  3. Hi, I found your blog through Susan B. Anderson's blog...the birds are adorable by the way! I signed up for her giveaway for the yarn to knit up and send birdies your way but I wasn't a lucky one.

    Anyway, I wanted to tell you that in a way, I completely understand your anger and the desire to be free of that. I have a rare and confusing cancer that has been a big part of my life since 2007 and sometimes I feel like I just can't get it "out" - the feelings that I have about it, the confusion, and the all-consuming grip that it has on my life.
    Sometimes we can forget, sometimes we can't. We deal with what it given to us, but we don't always want to.
    Cooper is beautiful in his photos. The birds will be such a great way to keep his story alive.
    God Bless.