the answer is, there is no answer

Saturday, March 7, 2009

in my heart i knew i would never know why cooper died, but to hear the doctors tell me that the cause of death was unknown yesterday was harder than i expected. that as medical professionals, they did not have the answer that i so desperately wanted to hear. that for some reason beyond their comprehension, cooper's little heart just gave up. i understand that aspect of medicine, that sometimes there just isnt a reason for what happens, that even when doctors do everything right the outcome isnt the one you hope for, and that there are many aspects of the human body that are still very much a mystery, but not when its my baby, my birdie, my cooper.

its hard for me to accept that this is the way its meant to be or that this was fate. what kind of god or higher power chooses that for someone? its hard to accept that my precious husband and i were just dealt a bad hand or that losing cooper was written in the stars. or that cooper was only meant to be in this world for 21 days.

and then i think about coopers legacy....and i know that coopers legacy will last a lifetime and that does bring me some peace. i think about the two children in different parts of the globe who can now see the world around them because of cooper and know that is part of his legacy. i think about the families that will benefit from the ronald mcdonald house, thanks to people who have donated gifts in honor of cooper and know that is part of his legacy. i think of the families and children that will receive a coopers flock bird and know that is part of his legacy. i think of the emails i have recieved about how sharing my journey has helped others and know that too is part of his legacy. and then i think maybe, just maybe the answer is in his legacy.

but not having the answer is still very hard to accept


  1. I can only send my good thoughts to you and your family and hope that everyday gets a bit brighter. I would love to knit a bird for Cooper's Flock. My email is:

  2. My heart is so heavy as I have read over the posts to your blog. I cannot imagine the brokenness of your heart.....I cannot imagine the depth of your courage.

    Your baby bluebird is beautiful and I have loved looking at the pictures of his sweet little face. I ache for you in the loss you have experienced and would love to be a part of making birdies in honor of your son. I will download the file for the sewing pattern (alas, I have never learned to knit)....

    Thank you for sharing your amazing embrace of life---it puts everything in perspective. Your family is in my thoughts.

    <3 sarasophia