i have tried very hard since cooper died not to let my grief own me, for it to become who i am or to be that person who compares every trajedy in life to losing my cooper. but every once in a while i slip, and i think that there is no way that any one could possibly hurt as much as i do, that their grief cant even compare to mine. that they cant possibly feel the raw heart ache and the gut wrenching pain or the sense of emptiness i feel on a daily basis.
yesterday we had to go to the funeral of my precious husband's great aunt. i was dreading this, mainly because we were going to see alot of people we have not seen since cooper died. i like to see people in small doses when seeing them for the first time, it makes it a little easier. but this was full on immersion in family, and family that i dont know all that well. while i was drying my hair, i kept thinking that while it was sad aunt mary was gone, she lived her life, had kids and grandkids. she was 90 something years old, this is the natural progression of life. that her family's loss was nothing like us losing cooper.
but then.....i had this moment in church, watching her kids talk about her where i realized that grief is grief, and no matter what the circumstances are, it hurts like hell for those people who are living it. that one's grief is not more or less intense depending on how people died, what matters is how we process that grief.
so thanks aunt mary, for showing me this very important lesson about grief. and i will continue to work hard at not letting my grief own me.