Thursday, April 16, 2009
my dear sweet precious cooper,
i can't believe it is time to write you again, it seems like just yesterday that i wrote your 4 month letter. and now here we are at what would have been your 5 month of life.
remember the daffodils i told you about? well, they are finally starting to open. the buds on the magnolia tree are swollen and ready to burst into color. it has been such a long winter, longer then most because of your absence, but i think that spring is thinking about staying around for a bit.
i see you daily in the birds that visit the back yard. one day a robin in the waterfall and last night while your dad and i were eating dinner, the most brilliant blue jay sitting by the daffodils. it is in those moments that i feel peace, that i know you are near and that i know i will be ok.
your yaya is coming to visit next week, as well as a lot of people who love you so much. we are having your memorial service on may 2nd, and people are coming from far and wide to celebrate your life. your great uncle mike is going to do the service and i know he will do an amazing job. he has an interesting perspective, being a cardiologist and an episcopal minister. and cooper the birds will be magnificent. you will just love all the birds that have been knit in your honor, all the love, hope and healing that has gone into making them is overwhelming.
oh cooper, i miss you so. i have good days and bad days, i think more good days as of late, but the bad ones are so difficult. and what i have realized about grief is that people move on, but your dad and i live with our grief everyday. it is so much a part of our day to day existence, as your pappous says, your death has become the fabric of our lives. he is a very wise man. but the disconnect between those who have moved on and us is difficult and i find myself getting irritated. not because i don't want to move on or think that moving on represents a betrayal to you, but because my wound is still so raw, the mark that your death left on my heart is deep and my heart is still broken. i suppose in time my heart will mend, but it will never be whole again.
i hope you know cooper, just how much i love you, miss you and long to see your sweet face.