Wednesday, April 22, 2009

it started some time ago
with wegmans cut out cookies.
i ate them quite a bit while i was pregnant
they were our favorite sweet treat.

so i knew that i must have bird cookies at cooper's service.
i knew he liked them too,
because every time i ate one,
he gave me an approving kick.

i have been meaning to order the cookies for sometime.
maybe i was procrastinating.
maybe i didn't want to face the reality that may 2nd was fast approaching.
or maybe my head was trying to protect my heart.

but today was the day,
that i walked into wegmans and placed my order.
i was totally unprepared for the tsunami of grief
that was on the horizon.

"we don't have a bird cookie cutter", she said.
i replied, "can i bring you one?"
i must have birds, its for my son's memorial service.
we called him birdie.

if you bring me a bird cutter, i will make you bird cookies.
how did he die?
his heart stopped.
how old was he?
3 weeks.

there are now huge tears in my eyes.
she told me she was religious and that god has a plan.
more tears.
i am sorry about your son, i have to put my cat to sleep.
she just compared losing her cat, to me losing cooper.
more tears.

i just want to make it to the car.
i told her i would bring the cookie cutter tomorrow.
she said she would make sure the cookies were perfect for cooper.
crying on the way to the parking lot.

in the car, the tsunami hits.
sobbing uncontrollably.
i miss him so much.
on the phone with alli.
why did he have to die?

mascara and tears running down my face, i sat in the car for thirty minutes.
paralyzed by my grief
and the realization that cooper's service is going to be hard.
i thought i could be strong
that i had cried enough tears to get through it.
i thought i could put on a brave face
that maybe the wound had a healed enough.

but that couldn't be further from the truth.
the wound is just as raw as ever,
and i never seem to run out of tears.
the reality sunk in that may 2nd is going to be one
of the most difficult days of my 36 years of life.

closure is needed.
its part of the grief process.
its how you heal.
its how you move forward.

but i really need to get some water proof mascara.


  1. I'm sad for you that the pain is still so deep
    and hope that the Memorial will indeed bring one
    type of closure. You will always hurt, miss,
    remember and love Cooper, but I do wish for
    easier days and nights for you. But as a very
    wise woman that we love dearly always said,
    "It is what it is" and we just have to figure
    out our ways to live with it. See you next week.

  2. I know nothing can truly help except for time, but I have always thought this was beautiful.

    Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not there, I do not sleep
    I am a 1,000 winds that blow
    I am the diamond glints on snow
    I am the sun on ripened grain
    I am the gentle autumn rain
    When you awaken in the morning's hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circled light
    I am the soft star that shines at night
    Do not stand at my grave and cry
    I am not there; I did not die.

  3. Oh, dear...! Let me just hold you for a while!
    You are really strong; to order the bird cookies for Cooper's Memorial was just too much. You need to cry in such moments; and one fine day there will be a wonderful smile coming out from your tears.
    Until then you're only supposed to believe that there will be healing and that your heart will mend!
    Wish I could help you in any way...
    Take care, dear!

  4. You are a strong special woman, you will get through this, surrounded by loving support. Just don't be surprised by the tears. They are part of the healing. 35 years after I lost my baby girl, I would occasionally burst into tears when she was mentioned. A mother's heart carries each child forever. The poem shared above is my favorite, so strengthening.
    We'll be with you from now through May 2nd in a special way

  5. Oh luc, it was a bad day. Its the ones that blindside you that seem the most difficult. What your readers dont know or have the opportunity to feel, was Tues knit night. We had so much joy looking at so many wonderful birds and disscussing how they are all different, just like our children. I remember looking across the table at your smile, i smiled back. it felt so good. we had a happy night and i am sure cooper was happy seeing his mom and her beautiful smile.

  6. Big hugs for you. I know its hard, just keep leaning on those around you who love you. Its the only thing that has helped me while going through my grief. xoxox

  7. You don't know me. I am a reader and knitter who sent you a birdie. I am sure I am not alone in saying that I sit here and read and cry right along with you. And I send lots of warm thoughts and wishes for serenity for you and yours.

  8. Starting to cry along with you here in the coffee shop... I wish I could say for certain that it will just keep getting easier, but those blind-sided moments are the worst. Stay strong - [[[hugs]]]

  9. I've known you my whole life. I've watched you surf in and out of the waves we ride in life. You've gotten your ass kicked a few times but seldom has one come through that you stayed under more than a few seconds. With all those wipeouts, slips, falls, and close drownings, you have always found ways to come up and breathe, jump back on your board and get ready for the next set of waves and better yet for the open ocean.
    Your ocean finally opened; you found your city, started a career, got a dog, found a great man, FINALLY got a house, got married, and started a family. For a brief calm period you welcomed a little 'birdie' into your arms while you surfed a little. Wave after wave he fought to stay afloat always showing you his strength that he had learned from his mother. Then out of now where a tsunami hit you, knocking you off your board, pulling you to the depths of the ocean floor and has been pushing & pulling you since. Just when you breach the top, breathe a little, pop up on your board, start to look around, you allow a small gust of wind to knock you off again.
    I know this much, Lil' Mini Cooper wouldnt be soo happy about this and he's saying right now: "why's my mama getting knocked down by some crazy animal loving comparing non-bird cookie cutter woman. . . this ain't my MAMMA!"
    Lucinda - its time to ride again, let him guide you, use the strength he should you during his fight as a source of energy and strength to ride through these wind gusts. They are going to happen a lot more and you gotta just ride through them and not allow them to knock you off.
    Lil M2thaC graced you with his presence got to say hi, showed you his personality and all his talents (master of farts!!!) and should you how strong what a fighter he was and then flew off, because as a bird he knew he had greater distances to travel and wanted to soar above you while you road your waves always present and never forgotten.
    He's up there I know, because this bird keeps chirping at 5 am every day for the last week, throughout the day and keeps telling me will you please kick my moms ass and tell her I want to see LUCINDA ANN, the STRONG TEXAS ass kicking, Gig'em, star bucks drinking, no bullshitting, tweetering, yarn knitting, sports watching mamma that he and the rest of us know you as being!


  10. luc, i don't know who wrote that comment up there, but it had me laughing and crying at the same time. see how many people love you??? i am another one of those people and i too am rootin for you every day you strong texas ass kickin gig'em, starbucks drinkin no bsing, tweetering, yarn knitting, sports watching, tsunami-titan mamma. xoxokate

  11. OH I have been thinking about you everyday as the 2nd approaches. I am sure it will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but you of all people will do it beautifully. You are a very strong woman. I am sure the cookies will be perfect eventhough that lady was truely ignorant! All my strength and love will be with you Sat. Love you

  12. I think the cat lady was just letting you know that she has also lost a loved one. There wasn't a comparison her mind anyway.
    I am sure she would not have wanted to make you feel worse.

  13. Oh my... I just cried with you when I read this, I wish I could give you a hug.

    This brought me comfort after losing a pregnancy before term, maybe it will help...

    A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation

    I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

    I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

    Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

    Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

    Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

    Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.

    Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion
    and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

    Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

    I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.

    I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
    Edited from original by Stacey Dinner-Levin