the details of coopers surgery and subsequent death are burned into my memory forever. i can tell you with great detail what people said, what they wore, what i wore, what i ate, the looks on peoples faces, the sights and smells of the hospital, and the moment during surgery when my heart started beating rapidly, which i am quite sure is when they decided that the repair was not enough and they needed to put a shunt in coopers heart. i remember every minute detail of those days.
in the days, weeks and even months after dec. 18th, those memories would invade my thoughts, the tapes were on continuous play, particularly in moments of still and quiet or when i was trying to sleep. i could not escape them. as i began to heal, the tapes stopped playing. i know they are still on the shelves of my brain, collecting dust and waiting for their moment of return.
they have remained on those shelves for some time, until this weekend that is and let me tell you, they have been playing nonstop. my precious husband and i have done our best to ignore them, he chopped wood yesterday (we have enough for a very long winter) and i ripped out a new knitting design i am working on 4 times. now, i am quite sure it is due to the anticipation of the fetal echo cardiogram we have this afternoon.
anticipation is the worst part......