fall festivities

one of the aspects i

love about living in

the northeast is the 

change of seasons.

growing up in west texas

we had seasons,

but often times they 

ran together into

one long season of hot.

my favorite is fall.

i love the way the clouds look.

i love the crisp breeze

and the smell of wet leaves.

i love apples picked right off the tree

and the abundant orange pumpkins

that seem to be everywhere.

this weekend we spent

some time as a family

enjoying the outdoors 

and all things fall.

you have to in these parts.

the snow flies early marking 

the beginning of our longest

season: winter.

and no i am not complaining.

yet.

tuesday tidbits

** chace said "pappous" today.

** this caused me to call my dad at 7 am to tell him the news.

** i dont think he had his coffee yet.

**my labels arrived!

** i have 22 bags in various stages.

** hoping to sew all 22 bags together tomorrow.

** i volunteered to be on the wine tasting/ auction fundraising event for chace's school.

** we have our first meeting tomorrow night.

** if you left a comment about having a church group sew cooper birds will you please email me.

** pretty please?

**we are having turkey panini for dinner.

**ph smoked turkey on sunday and we thought this would be a great way to use the leftovers.

** chace was happy to be back at school after a 4 day weekend.

** he practically ran into the classroom.

**my mom's visit is getting closer.

** i am so excited.

** we are trying to convince my brother and dad to come up as well.

** this is not going very well.

** have a good evening.

** off to cook dinner.

for the good of food

we like food.

not just any food.

good food.

pure food.

simple food.

complicated food.

food full of flavor.

ok, we like most foods

with the exception of processed foods.

i meticulously plan out

the meals each week

carefully balancing flavors,

proteins and produce.

i don't buy cookies,

chips or junk food.

part of it is because i will eat it

and the other part is i don't

want chace to eat this type of food.

we eat this way, not because it

makes us better parents

or individuals.

it is choice we have made

for ourselves and our family.

this being said, 

eating this way can be expensive.

the majority of our grocery bill

is spent on produce.

saturday at yoga, 

i saw a flier for a csa

called the good food collective.

this option makes sense to me.

we get fresh produce

for 4 months during the winter.

it will cut down on our grocery bill.

we are helping local farmers.

and we are consuming good, healthy pure food.

for me this is a no brainer.

now i have to convince ph.

shift in perspective

one of the hardest
aspects of cooper's death
for me to wrap my head around
is the fact that we were not there.

ph and i had stepped
out to get coffee
after checking in on cooper,
seeing the surgeon,
and getting the update
from his nurse.

everything was great.
i remember crying and
the surgeon said to me
"dont cry, he did great."

after some encouragement
we ventured down to get
coffee and make phone calls.
we were not gone long.

when we walked back onto
the floor, i noticed a team of people
around cooper's bed.
i said something to ph.
my brain had not caught up
with what my eyes were seeing.

ph saw them administering cpr.
they asked us to wait outside.
it was then that i realized
our road was going to get really bumpy
and later the road would cave in all together.

my brain will never forget
the sequence of events as they unfolded.
but my perspective is shifting with time.

i have always felt so guilty
that we were not there
when his heart stopped.

i wonder if he knew
what was happening.
did he feel alone?
was he scared?

intellectually, i know that
he was heavily medicated
and did not suffer.
but the heart of mother
can play tricks on the mind.

the lesson in yoga the other
night was about the road.
our own personal journey
and how as humans we sometimes
think we are on the wrong path, but
it is really the right one for us.

this changed my perspective.
things unfolded as they were destined
to unfold, as hard as that is for me to admit.
us, not being in the room
when cooper's heart stopped was a gift.

we did not have to hear the alarms
we did not have to see the heart monitor go flat.
we did not have to see or hear the stress on the team's voices.
we saw enough when we walked back in.
we have enough images and details of that day to last a lifetime.

my shift in how i view that detail of december 18th 2008
does not make my heart hurt less.
it does not make me love cooper any less.
it simply allows me to accept  i was exactly
where i needed to be.

a moment

tuesday tidbits

** chace's new favorite food is nilla wafers.

** he doesnt seem to understand that they are not a food group.

** i thought they were a food group when i was little.

** athena and stella are coming to rochester in november.

** i can not wait to see stella and chace together.

** i am hoping to get her to take some family photos while she is here.

** chace needs a hair trim, again.

** my hair is not growing out fast enough.

** after the shows are over in november, i am going to sew cooper birds with my scraps.

** it is what feels right.

** feel free to knit or sew birds.

** i would also like to make some quilts over the winter.

** my new favorite song is "spirit of a storm" by kenny chesney.

** i booked my flight to austin for renegade craft fair.

** if you live in austin, or close to austin, i hope you will stop by.

** my flight only cost $10.00.

** i used miles for the ticket.

** nice feeling.

** happy tuesday everyone.

spirit of a storm

sunday mornings i
attend yoga at 10 am.
it is an open level class.
this means that is challenges me.
really challenges me.

it is taught by erica.
she taught my new to yoga series
and is well awesome.

she is an english teacher in her day job.
i connect with her teaching style.
its full of stories, quirkiness and lessons.

so sunday morning yoga is more than yoga.

this time of year is hard.
as much as i love fall,
it is hard for me.
the storms build
and i find myself trying to
manage them in various ways.

some days i am able weather them.
some days they get the best of me.
and some days the sun shines brightly.

they are part of who i am.
they are a part of my story.
they are the fabric of my life.

it stormed like crazy yesterday
which seemed to match my mood.
yoga was all about storms, breathing
through them and not being alone in the storm.

thank you sweet friend
for giving me a new place
to weather the storm.