we are back in rochester. we had a great time away and i truly believe that our hearts and souls healed a little more.
i am a prefectionist, i know this about myself. and being a perfectionist allows me to be overly critcal of myself, even in my grief. it was much harder than i thought to come home. and i spent most of yesterday in various stages of a meltdown. i dont know what i expected... maybe that being away would some how make the last two months disappear or that i would come home and hurt less. i had learned to live with coopers things, then learned to be away from them, and am now having to learn to live with them again. yesterday was a perfect reminder that grief is like the ocean waves, a constant ebb and flow, moving forward and backward in various states of emotion.
yesterday i felt that i had not made much progress in my journey, but today i realized that i have come farther than i thought and am stronger than i take credit for being. i returned to the hospital to meet jen, our cardiac social worker, for coffee. while i was driving it dawned on me that two months ago to the day cooper had his surgery. i wont lie and say that walking in the hospital was easy, that getting coffee from the place we got coffee moments before coopers heart stopped was not gut wrenching, that talking about those events with jen and seeing how cooper touched her was not heart breaking, but i did it.
before you think that i am just a glutton for punishment, you should know that i met with jen because i need her help with that creative project i mentioned in an earlier post. i am not ready to reveal the details just yet, but rest assure the day is drawing closer. i will tell you that it will be part of coopers legacy, which is very important to jamey and i and that i believe it will move me further along in my journey and become part of my story.