tuesday tidbits

** chace and i are here in santa fe.

** ph will join us in a week.

** it is good to be here.

** i needed a change of scenery.

** the trip out was uneventful.

** with the exception of when the flight attendant asked if chace would like a banana.

** this may seem like a nice gesture.

** but chace was tired of being in his seat and was letting people know it.

** she thought a banana would make him quiet down.

** she does not know my child.

** i saw through her gesture and did not appreciate it.

** nope, not one bit.

** i am starting a new knitting project.

** i think it may take me a while.

** i am reading a great book, sarah's key.

** there is an unusually high number of mosquitos here this summer.

** i am over them.

** i am missing yoga.

** i might try to take a class or two here.

** my mom and i are working on a sewing project.

** hope all is well in your world.

** back to my knitting.

heart center

i have had the heart
on my mind lately.
both the physical heart
and the figurative heart.

cooper's imperfect heart.
chace's perfect heart.
both the size of a walnut
when they were born.

this organ that is
in the center of the body.
the life force,
the work horse
of the human body,

my heart that i guarded
so carefully
until i met ph.

it was battered
and bruised over the years.
leaving me cautious
about leaving it unprotected.

i learned how much
my heart could love
when my boys were born.
and how much it could break, hurt and ache
when cooper died.

i learned how through
hard work, love, and patience
it can mend.
not heal but mend.
stitched together carefully.

i learned that despite
such a trauma,
it can love completely
again, if not more fully than before.

in yoga, the goal is
to be centered, grounded.
i start each practice
at heart center
and come back to throughout the class.

opening up.
being unguarded
exposed.
vulnerable.

and when i think i can
not open up anymore.
i think of cooper.
our hearts forever connected.
a string pulling my heart
closer to his.

and by opening up,
i am closer to him
and thus a better parent,
wife and friend.

he goes to scott miller

a moment

she let go

this was in my inbox when i walked out of yoga class
it seemed fitting.
it gave me chills.
it echoed class.
so, i thought i would share....

"She let go.  Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go. She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to  do it just right. She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go. She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go. No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.."

tuesday tidbits

** this morning we had a play date with tommy and charlie.

** there was a lot of little boy energy in my house.

** and the three of them ate half a watermelon.

** i shudder to think what they will eat as teenagers.

** i finished sewing the quilt blocks on a big quilt project i have been working on for a long time.

**we leave monday to head to santa fe.

** we will be gone until sept. 7th.

** i am looking forward to a change of scenery.

**weight watchers is not going so well these days.

** i can not wait for college football to start.

** i have the urge to knit some sweaters for myself.

** i think it is because fall is right around the corner.

** i do love the fall.

** i have applied to 3 craft shows for the fall. i should know by the end of september if i was accepted.

** i will let you all know.

** c is down, but not asleep.

**that is my cue to go sew.

** happy tuesday.

dear chace

 my dear sweet chace,

6 months from today you will be two years old. i can not believe that you are now 18 months old. the last year and a half has flown by, too fast. i am trying to stay in the present, to cherish every moment with you, but i get ahead of myself sometimes. in those moments you are going to college, following your passions, getting married, and having children of your own.  it goes by in a blink. i don't want to miss any of it. so i remind myself to stay present, in today, in the moment.

on this day that marks your 18th month of life. we played outside, you followed your dad while he mowed the lawn, you and i sat on the kitchen floor and ate blueberries and you and your dad are building a house out of legos as i type.

you are talking in paragraphs. unfortunately, i do not have the translation guide, so you get very frustrated at me. i have this feeling that one day when i ask you a question, you are simply going to respond like it's no big deal. you have figured out how to run. you take great pleasure in running around the yard, falling on the grass and laughing. there is nothing better for your dad and i to witness.

we leave in week to head to santa fe to see yaya and pappous. your dad will meet us there. we will also head to beaumont for the weekend for you to meet your aunt ashley, who you are in part named after. when we return from our trip, you will start montessori. i am sure that i will cry that first day, but know that montessori will be so good for you and is exactly where you need to be. our routine will shift a little, but for the most part will stay the same.

when your brother died, i did not know if  my heart was capable of loving so completely again. you have changed that, i knew from the day you were born, that my heart could love again. the last 18 months have taught me that the heart has the capacity to expand and love an inconceivable amount. i love you more than words can express. you are my greatest gift, my greatest joy and my greatest joy.

love you always
mama