2nd time around

my pregnancy with cooper was pretty uneventful; no morning sickness, no exhaustion, no massive weight gain, or weird cravings. i ate watermelon in the middle of the night and drank gallons of orange juice, but that was the extent of my cravings. i wore my regular jeans until 22 weeks and didn't have to buy maternity under wear or granny panties. it was pretty boring.

ok, i did start having contractions at 25 weeks and went to the hospital 3 different times, but once the doctors figured out there was no risk of preterm labor, my contractions were more of a hassle than anything else. there were some interesting characters in triage and i wish i was blogging back then, because some of the conversations i over heard were just too much.

but this time around, my pregnancy is a bit different. i had a week of morning sickness, well not even that, just felt like i had been binge drinking the night before and i couldn't even have a beer to take the edge off. i have had two cravings, pickles and mcdonalds. i have eaten a jar of pickles a week, but thankfully have only given in to the mcdonalds craving twice. i still drink gallons of orange juice and the fruit is not watermelon but grapes. i started wearing maternity clothes a few weeks ago. and there is no way that i can get my jeans to button. i had to breakdown and buy maternity undies, because mine were either rolling down or riding up. i tell you that was the BEST 40 dollars i have ever spent.

but the most dramatic change this time around is the anxiety. i guess its normal after all that we have been through, but enough already. the hardest thing is that i can articulate very clearly why i have anxiety. i can tell you that i am displacing my anxiety about the pregnancy onto whatever it is i am obsessing about and admit that my fear is irrational. but what i can not seem to be able to do is stop the obsessing and the anxiety it produces. i feel like i am losing my mind. for example, i have been flying on planes for 36 years and have never once thought twice about flying nor been afraid to get on a plane. last week i developed this intense fear of flying and was totally convinced that our plane was going to drop from the sky on wednesday. now, i know this was all connected to the fact that last week alone, i visited a good friend in the hospital almost every day, had to attend a funeral which stirred up all kinds of emotions and waswaiting for the results from the genetic testing which were taking forever. rather than thinking about the "what if's" regarding the bean ( what we are calling the baby, because in the last ultra sound he was a little mexican jumping bean), i chose to "what if "about our plane dropping from the sky. crazy right?

i am feeling better about flying wednesday and am much more rational in my thought process, thanks to a lot of self talk and poking fun of myself.

i can handle having to wear maternity underwear and my pickle cravings, but i can not handle anxiety that stops you in your tracks for the next 26 weeks. i will drive myself and everyone around me nuts! thankfully, i am going to see my obgyn tomorrow to see if she can me something healthy to obsess about!

breaking news

it took me taking 10 pregnancy tests for it to sink in that the clomid actually worked. it has been so hard keeping this from you all and i hope you forgive me if i lied to you about our news. i am so glad that i can finally share the news and write about this journey. let me tell you, it has been a ride, thus far.

so, here are the details. today, i officially enter the second trimester. we had genetic testing done and all cells are normal and there are no chromosome deletions. i had one week where i felt like i had a permanent hangover. other than that week i have felt good. my due date is february 27. i will have a c-section at 39 weeks. this makes the due date the week of februray 20th. we have a name picked out. but are not sharing at this point. don't worry we will. it has been much more emotional being pregnant than i thought it would be. it is a constant juggling of emotions. i have many posts written in my head. and cant wait to share them. my form of morning sickness is hunger. needless to say i have already gained 10 pounds. i gain the most weight in the first trimester. it was the same with cooper. we took a home gender prediction test. it was correct. we will have a fetal echo cardiogram of the heart at 22 weeks. so we will know exactly what the heart looks like. we are excited to be parents again. but are understandably nervous. thankfully i have a great doctor to help me through the next 26 weeks.
oh, we are having a boy!

priceless

circa 1982.

dear cooper

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today marks what would have been your 9th month of life. i can remember the details of the day you were born with such clarity, almost like it was yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. while it was a very difficult day, it was the most magical day of my life, discovering how much my heart had the capacity to love. it changed me forever.

your dad and i head to greece for vacation next week. we are looking forward to the time away, but it will be bittersweet. we spent so much time talking about the adventures we would have as a family while on kea. and there were so many friends on the island who looked forward to meeting you for the first time. we know that you would have loved the sea and anticipated the day we could take you to our favorite beaches and watch you experience the sea for the first time.

it is our plan to take some of your ashes to kea and set you free at one of our favorite spots, but i think that will have to wait until next year. your dad and i are not ready to let you go, yet. but i know that you will be there with us, in your way.

since i last wrote you, tommy has a new little brother named charlie. i went to the hospital to meet him hours after he was born. it was hard, cooper, to hold him and not think of you. it made me miss you terribly. in some ways it was healing for me to hold and love on a baby that was heart healthy. it also gave me hope that we will someday have another baby and that baby will be healthy. i must tell you, cooper, that i did breathe a sigh of relief once charlie reached 4 weeks old.

i continue to work on your nursery in small doses. i have learned not to "plan" out time to make piles out of your things. most often i just find myself in there, sitting on the floor looking at all your tiny clothes. it always brings me a sense of peace and makes me feel closer to you.

there are days that i know with certainty that i am mending, but i also know without doubt i will never get over having to live without you. you are and always will be the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

loving you always

mom

faves

with all the recent talk about my soon to be open etsy shop, i thought i would share with you some of my favorite etsy shops. this is just a small sampling of my etsy faves, i have 95 shops marked as favorites.....

for great party decorations, pomlove is the answer
for the ultimate fabric selection, check out fabricsupplies
if you are looking for fresh ceramics with a modern feel, stepanka is your go to
if you want to be the hit of the baby shower, a set of onesies from handmadejig is the gift you need
for fabulous refurbished vintage furniture go to sprucehome
for the most luxurious leather handbag without the designer price, morelle has the bag for you


now be a dear and go check out this fabulous etsy shops!

the gift of sight

it was merely hours after cooper died, when i received the phone call from the rochester eye and tissue bank. as soon as the woman identified where she was from my heart sank and i knew why she was calling. she wanted to know if we would consider donating coopers eyes. i told her that i had to consult with my husband and could she give us a few hours. she agreed.

when i hung up the phone i was flooded with emotion. the emotional side of me, the grieving mother side wanted to scream at her that i had just lost my 3 week old son and how dare she call and ask for a part of him. i felt like the vultures were circling, just waiting to pick my precious cooper apart and it was my job to protect him. then there was the logical side, the side that grew up in a medical family and understood the time sensitive nature of harvesting organs. on some level i recognized that she was simply doing her job, a very difficult job. and finally, by agreeing to donate coopers eyes, his death became permanent and final. now, i knew this, but i was still trying to process the events of the morning. i wasn't ready to let cooper go, and giving his eyes to another child seemed at the time like i was letting him go too easily.

it took me several minutes to reign in my emotions enough to articulate the nature of the phone call. once i told my precious husband who was on the other end of the phone, what i thought would be a difficult choice was easy. we both knew that giving the gift of sight to potentially two other children was the right thing to do, there was no other choice. we had the ability to drastically change the lives of two other small children, and even though we were heartbroken over coopers death, we knew we had to help those who needed it. and cooper is able to live on and see the world which brings me some peace.

we found out that coopers corneas were given to a child in guatemala and a child in syria. most likely these children would not have been able to see if it weren't for cooper's death. newborn corneas are difficult to come by, so i believe with all my heart that these two children will have a much richer life because of cooper.

i have wondered about these two small lives and how they are doing, but for the most part coopers gift of sight has been filed away in my brain until today. i received a letter, or rather an invitation from the rochester eye and tissue bank in the mail inviting us to a program honoring all donors and their families. and suddenly i was reliving december 18th all over again.

i don't think that we will attend the dinner, it would just be too difficult and emotional. but there was information about donor family quilts, created to honor loved ones that travel around the country. maybe i will make a square for cooper, yet one more way for him to see the world and for his mama to honor her sweet boy.

aglaia's placemat 2.0

remember this post?

well, i received an order for 8 of aglaia's placemats not to long ago and it was my plan to have them in my etsy shop, but the problem is that they are TIME CONSUMING.

so my wheels started turning and today i created a fabric version. i like them; however, there are a few little wrinkles i need to work out. overall, not bad for the first attempt.

which do you like better, the knit or fabric version of aglaia's placemat? do tell.....