dear cooper

Thursday, August 27, 2009

my dear sweet precious cooper,

today marks what would have been your 9th month of life. i can remember the details of the day you were born with such clarity, almost like it was yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. while it was a very difficult day, it was the most magical day of my life, discovering how much my heart had the capacity to love. it changed me forever.

your dad and i head to greece for vacation next week. we are looking forward to the time away, but it will be bittersweet. we spent so much time talking about the adventures we would have as a family while on kea. and there were so many friends on the island who looked forward to meeting you for the first time. we know that you would have loved the sea and anticipated the day we could take you to our favorite beaches and watch you experience the sea for the first time.

it is our plan to take some of your ashes to kea and set you free at one of our favorite spots, but i think that will have to wait until next year. your dad and i are not ready to let you go, yet. but i know that you will be there with us, in your way.

since i last wrote you, tommy has a new little brother named charlie. i went to the hospital to meet him hours after he was born. it was hard, cooper, to hold him and not think of you. it made me miss you terribly. in some ways it was healing for me to hold and love on a baby that was heart healthy. it also gave me hope that we will someday have another baby and that baby will be healthy. i must tell you, cooper, that i did breathe a sigh of relief once charlie reached 4 weeks old.

i continue to work on your nursery in small doses. i have learned not to "plan" out time to make piles out of your things. most often i just find myself in there, sitting on the floor looking at all your tiny clothes. it always brings me a sense of peace and makes me feel closer to you.

there are days that i know with certainty that i am mending, but i also know without doubt i will never get over having to live without you. you are and always will be the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

loving you always


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