moving forward

in the days immediately following cooper's death, people set about removing items that might remind me of cooper. i don't mean to say that they got rid of things, or touched the nursery, they simply removed them from my sight. it was usually done when i was in my room, in the shower or out of the house, small silent gestures of love and support. i was aware that the bottles were no longer in the kitchen or that the hammock that cooper loved was not in the living room, but i wasn't really aware of where they were or when they were moved. it was upon our return from our 3 week getaway in february that i realized that all the little signs of cooper were simply moved to the basement.

when we walked down the basement stairs we realized that you couldn't see the basement floor, so we spent some time organizing things. there were more boxes in the basement than i cared to count, thanks to the holidays. after breaking down boxes, filling garbage bags of packing peanuts and throwing wrapping paper out, order was restored. one side of the basement now holds all things baby. many of the items cooper never got to use and are still in boxes. the baby bjorn, the highchair, his ultra hip barkalounger that he was too small for, the car seat and car seat bases, the stroller, activity mats, the pack and play and boxes and boxes of formula. many of these things we will use again, but the formula has an expiration date. i was holding on to it in hope that we would be able to use it, but since we have not gotten pregnant yet, we will not be able to use the formula.

enter wonderful martha. a friend who volunteered to pick up the formula and deliver it to wilson commencement park, an organization that provides resources and services to low income families and children. today was the appointed day. and it was so much harder to let go of that formula than i expected. is it because of what it represents? nourishment for the baby that i no longer have? or is it a sign of letting go? moving forward? or is it that i feel guilty about giving away something that was cooper's? i know that this gesture will help many families and babies, another way in which cooper lives on and how he continues to touch others lives. but letting go of those boxes makes my heart ache for cooper.

new found empathy

since cooper's death in december, i have learned so much about myself and my relationship with my precious husband, about friends and family, and about how much one's heart has the ability to expand in order to love and then break when faced with loss. i have also learned that among the darkness, sadness and despair, healing does come and with it comes hope. for me hope is most clearly represented in the form of another baby. i know that another child will never replace cooper, but i do know that a baby will bring us joy, will show us our capacity to love again and bring a sense a purpose to our lives. and a baby is something we so desperately want.

when i got pregnant with cooper, it was easy, textbook easy. i stopped taking birth control and two months later i was pregnant. i thought that was how it would work this time around, that as soon as my cycle returned i would be pregnant. well, that has not been the case and for the past 3 months i have learned more about my reproductive ability than i ever wanted to know. i have counted days between cycles, days of lh surges and i peed on all kinds of sticks. i cant even begin to tell you how many sticks i have peed on since february and i am still not pregnant. i feel kind of silly talking about not being pregnant after 3 months, because i know couples try for years to have a baby, some are successful, others are not. and i can not imagine the heartbreak they experience each month. but for me each month that goes by is kick in the gut, my heart breaks all over again and i wonder if my ease at conceiving cooper was a fluke. now intellectually i know this is my head playing games with me, but emotionally it is so real. i also know that obsessing about it is not going to help, but when you have experienced something so amazing and then have it ripped from you makes you a little frantic and desperate.

but today is a new day, a new path. thanks to modern medicine and drugs my cycle will return to normal and hopefully we will be given that chance to love again. my obgyn prescribed a regimen of clomid to help my cycle return to a more normal time frame, rather than the 37 day course it has settled into over the past few months. and today i took my first dose. and even though i feel hopeful, there is still an ache in my heart that has become so familiar and reminds me that hope and heartache can and do coexist.

portrait of a weekend

wishing you a memorial day filled with the laughter of children, the love of family and friends, wet kisses from dogs, the beauty of nature and the peace that comes from knowing that those you lost are never very far away.

friendship

i have never been the type of girl who had tons of friends. i mean i have always had acquaintances, but as far as best friends, the ones that are fiercely loyal. the ones who love you no matter what mistakes you make. the ones who you can call at 3 in the morning. the ones who are with you through bad hair and even worse fashion, i can count those friends on one hand. and i hope that they all know who there are.....

my first friend that falls into this category i met in kindergarten. we were living in a small town in central texas, the town where my father was born and raised. i have very distinct memories of that friendship. ballet classes and birthday parties, her parents building a saltbox house outside of town, prize winning sheep that would pay for college, painting bluebonnets and indian paint brush on rotted wood, and an amazing collection of madame alexander dolls. we moved away before i entered the third grade, and i wonder if we had stayed, how that friendship would have developed. over the years we kept up with each other through family members mostly. and every groundhogs day i always think to myself "happy birthday sheffield".

fast forward to this past week and behold the power of the internet. i opened my email and saw an email address that i didn't recognize. it began like this, "i tried to find you on facebook. you don't facebook. i found your twitter page, but i don't tweet. and eventually i found your blog." and just like that an old friendship was reignited and the emails between the two of us began to fly, reconnecting over the pieces of our lives, work, marriage, family and children. and it was no surprise to me when i learned that she had her first baby months before i had my cooper. a testament that friendships of this nature have a connection that is stronger than time or distance, a connection that is bigger than you both, and that no matter how long it is been since you last spoke, you will always remain childhood best friends.

i have learned over the past months that your friends are what get you through, sure they are there during the good stuff. but the friends that matter are the ones who are there when your world falls apart. they carry you when you don't have the will to walk, they sit with you in your grief, and they give you hope that there are brighter days ahead. i hope that i can be as good of friend to those friends i can count on one hand, as they have been to me.

i love you all dearly!

friday knitting

as a yarn shop owner, i had the opportunity to meet and work with alot of great people, but my all time favorite was linda, the owner of blue sky alpaca. from the moment we first met on the phone we had an instant connection, we both had great pyrenees as dogs and spent many a minutes talking about them, not yarn. over the years linda has been very good to me. as a leader in the industry she always had good advice when i needed it, supported rach and i when we launched modalura, and answered the call with a huge box of yarn for coopers flock. let me tell you, linda is one of the good ones and i am so blessed to have worked with her. not to mention that her yarn is one of my favorites.

so, i am so excited about her new line of yarn Spud and Chloe which is set to make its debut at the industry trade show in june. i am more than excited, i am over the moon with excitement. the concept behind spud and chloe is simple, 3 different weights of yarn that are all washable presented in 27 fabulous colors. let me tell you dear readers, no one in this industry is better at choosing colors than linda! i cant wait to get my hands on this yarn. in fact i wouldn't be surprised if i ordered it in all the colors. i have so much faith in this product, it is going to be the "IT" yarn for the fall season.

so how can you knit with spud and chloe before its launch date? susan b anderson and skeinsherway are both having spud and chloe giveaways, so pop on over and enter, who knows you could be knitting with spud and chloe before anyone else. and tell your local yarn shops to order it, they wont be disappointed.

uncle, i cry uncle

Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!

remember how i told you last friday about the sweater i was working on for my mom? well, i worked very hard over the weekend and got the front finished and the shoulders sewn together... and well it is a total disaster. it is huge, has no shape and is one step up from a burlap sack. i kid you not. it is a total flop.

now, i have to be honest, i dont have many knitting disasters, so when they do happen it throws me for a real loop. and gets me a tad bit cranky. this yarn does not want to be a sweater. but i will not let it get the best of me. i know just what i am going to make out of it, and it will be perfect for those hot summer nights on kea. but i need a little break from that yarn, so i am working on one of the designs from my ever growing list. stay tuned.

and here is a picture, so you know that i am not exaggerating the magnitude of my knitting disaster.

at last

dear tulip bag.

at last, you arrived at my front door.
i coveted you for so many months before making the commitment.
looking everyday.
trying to find the perfect color.
when at last you appeared, pistachio.

i knew when i saw you, we were destined to be friends.
you are far more luxurious than i imagined.
perfectly soft leather.
small detailed stitching.
and a pocket for my old but beloved cell phone.

you are the perfect summer bag.
named for one of my favorite flowers.
and you are all mine.

welcome to your new home!