puffy frog eyes

it has been along
time since i had
a crying meltdown.
so, i was due.

add the fact that
i am getting chace's cold
and feel horrible.

and you have a making
for a cry fest.

oh,
and the movie 50/50.

yesterday, i sent ph to the redbox
to get a movie
and he came home with 50/50.
i knew the premise,
but thought it was going to be funny.

it had funny moments.
but was not a funny movie.
ph fell asleep during the saddest part.
so there i am sitting on the couch
tears and snot running down my face.
once i got going it was hard to breath.

ph woke up at the end
(a happy part)
and just looked at me.

the trouble with these types
of movies is that they create
a snowball effect.

i start crying about the movie
and it quickly becomes about cooper.
the tapes start playing
and before i know it
i am in a full fledged meltdown.

i know is healthy.
i felt better this morning
with the exception of my cold.
and the simple fact that my eyes
were so swollen that i could not
get my contacts in my eyes until
after noon.

team swan or team granger

last valentines day my mom
gave me a kindle.
mostly because i badgered
her into buying it for me.
(sorry mom)

i love my kindle.
i have read so much
over the past year.
i love to read,
but just didn't make time for it
or reserved it for traveling.

the kindle makes it easy.
makes it effortless.
and is great for traveling.

i have read alot of good books
since acquiring my beloved kindle.
but i noticed a theme.
there was always a child that died.

ughh.

and it was not apparent until i was
too committed to the book to stop reading.

double ugh.

i needed to break that trend.
so when i was thinking about
what i wanted to read over the holidays
the twilight saga came to mind.

i will admit that i felt a a little
guilty about purchasing and
reading the books.
i am usually not a series
kind of girl, (but i have read
the chronicles of narnia
and the harry potter series multiple times)
so i gave it a go.

i have to be honest.
i don't get the vampire thing.
i did not fantasize about edward or jacob.
i wanted bella to pick jacob.
i liked the first 3 books.
the fourth book was just ridiculous.

speaking of bella.
she annoyed me.
she was completely ruled by her emotions.
she did not use her head at all
( yes i have made decisions based on emotions)
with the exception of when she was trying to save her daughter.
she was selfish and whiny.
she was mean and then begged forgiveness.
maybe bella was intelligent, but that trait
didn't appear until the end of the book.

it was in the final chapters where she understood
the love a mother has for  her child.
the primal urge to protect your child at all costs.
she truly understood the meaning of self- sacrifice,
that as a mother you have a duty to put your child above yourself,
no matter what.

that being said, i spent alot of time being
irritated at ms. bella swan.
it was only at the end of the book
where i would even think of declaring
myself on team swan.

up until that point i was team granger all the way.

tuesday tidbits

** yesterday was winter.

** today is spring.

** i prefer snow to rain this time of year.

** i spent the afternoon crafting with glitter for the circus party.

** chace has peed in the potty 3 times today.

** he will do just about anything for an m&m.

** i finished reading the twilight saga.

** i will post my thoughts later.

** we rent out my parents house out in greece when we are not there.

** today, we figured that a potential renter was a big fat scam.

** perhaps that is another post.

** this individual picked the wrong person to try to scam.

** i always wanted to be in the fbi.

** i am working on a quilt for the webster montessori fundraising auction.

** it is going to be amazing.

** but i will not be buying my own work.

** it has inspired me to want to make some quilts, or at least some mini quilts.

** justified is on tonight.

** oh, how i love raylin givens, almost as much as tim riggens.

** ph is making pizza.

** hope tuesday was a good one.

sea life

i love the sea.
i always have.
there is something so comforting
so therapeutic and healing about
the constant ebb and flow of the ocean waves.

it is home for me.

when i was younger,
i wanted to be a marine biologist.
the trouble was that i could not
stand math and science.

while we were in new mexico
we took chace to the aquarium.
it seems that he took after his mama
and her love of the sea.

here are some of my favorite
pictures from that day.

i have become

i have become "that"mother
the one i swore i would not become
and my child is not even two.

despite what we have been through
as parents i have yet to turn into
a helicopter mom which is what some
would expect from someone who
has lost a child.

 chace turns
two in a few weeks.
i have been planning his party
for a few weeks now.
 this party planning has turned me
into "that" mother.

it is going to be over the top.
i am obsessed with the details.
i want them to be perfect.
the decorations, the favors, the food, the games
i think about it all no matter how big or small.

(i am beginning to think i should be a party planner.)

i was feeling a little awkward about it
maybe even a little guilty.
but then i stopped feeling bad and embraced it.

i know that chace wont remember his 2nd birthday party
and i recognize that this is about me and what i want.
there will come a day when he will tell me what kind
of party he wants, and of course i will comply
with the same attention to details.

but one thing i have learned from cooper
is that you have to treasure each moment,
celebrate each moment and live in each moment.

so it is in this spirit that i obsess about the party
that will celebrate the birth of our sweet chace.

silent

it has been silent
here on this blog
for sometime.

to be honest
i didn't feel like writing
i didn't feel like i  had anything to say.

no words of wisdom
no creativity
nothing funny
nothing sad.
no message.

it wasn't writers block
that i struggled with
there was plenty going on in my head.
i had no motivation to write.
i was in a deep dark blogging funk.

heck, i even thought about
never writing another blog post again.
i said thought about....

i have come to grips
with the fact that i am never
going to be a "famous" blogger.
nor am i going to support my family by blogging.
i am ok with that....
well, it would be nice to be famous.

when i started this blog, the purpose
was to heal, to share my journey
through grief with others.
along the way it organically grew into
a blog about grief, life, parenting,
and occasionally my creative ventures.

i was beginning to feel that it didn't matter anymore
that my story was insignificant and that i didn't have
a message to share.
i became very perfectionistic about my writing
rather than simply sharing my journey.

i am not going to lie.
i like comments.
i don't get comments anymore
and i read that as sign that no one was reading.

it hit me tonight
during downward facing dog
that i put up a wall.
a self imposed blogging wall.
and i needed to tear it down.
to get back to being unfiltered.
to being honest in my writing.

i need to write for the sake of writing
and maybe in that process something
i say will make sense to someone.
i need to be myself
and stop feeling the need to be the perfect blogger.

so i am making you this promise.
what i write on this here blog
will be honest, authentic, unfiltered
and most importantly
me.

love you all.

dear chace

dear chace,

one month from today you will officially enter toddlerhood. this fact is hard for me to wrap my mind around. you are growing up so fast. i am busy planning your party. ok i am obsessively planning your party. i know that you will not remember your second birthday party, but in case you have your mama's memory, i want to make sure that it is an awesome party with lots of little details.

this month has been a big one for you. we have spent the last month in santa fe with yaya and pappous. you have had a grand time and have loved being the center of everyone's attention. i fear it has gone to your head a bit, but i also know that once we get back to your routine all will be well. you met your cousin finn and were a most excellent older cousin. you played nicely and shared your toys. you have met many new people and charmed them all. your vocabulary has exploded. i think that when you go back to school i will need to provide them a cheat sheet so that they know what you are saying.  your favorite phrase is "the coyotes are outside." and you tell everyone one you see.

you spent alot of time with your uncle luke (kuka) and you absolutely adore him. he introduced you to wall-e on the computer and you were in love with this funny little robot. he built a train for you, showed you how to kick a ball, shared his ipad and even read you some stories.

christmas was great fun. your dad and i loved experiencing it through your eyes. particularly when santa showed up at the house christmas morning. you were in awe. you love all he books that he brought you and were so happy that he there was an owl and a cup waiting for you under the tree. we went on the polar express train ride. it took you a while to understand that we were on the train, but seeing the look on your face when you realized that you were on the train was priceless.

it has been a great month away from home, but i think that you will be glad to be back at school you have started talking about your friends at school recently. i know the routine will be good for you.

this past month has been so much for your dad and i. everyday you surprise us with a new word or phrase and we often just look at each other and shake or heads. even though you have had a few temper tantrums along the way, you remain a sweet and loving little boy who brings so much joy and happiness to our lives.

love you always
mama