happy making

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

dear cooper

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

my dear sweet cooper.

it is hard for me to believe that it has been four years since the day you entered the world and changed our lives forever.

i have spent much of today thinking about who you would be today, on your birthday. what kind of party would you choose? who would you invite? would you love cake the way your little brother does?
would you still have blond hair? blue eyes? would you be serious? quiet? or extroverted? what would your voice sound like when you said "i love you mama."? would your love trains? dinosaurs? or would  it be superheros? sports? would you snort when you laughed? would you snuggle up to read books?

the answers to these questions i will never know.

but this i do know about you, you had the ability to look into my soul. to touch my heart like no other. you were wise beyond your years. you were a fighter, strong and determined until your last breath. my time with you made me a better person, a better mother, a more compassionate individual. you taught me more lessons in 3 weeks than i could learn in a lifetime. i feel you with me all the time. you give me the strength to move forward, to push myself, to follow my dreams. you have given me so many gifts. friendships that exist solely because of you. i am grateful beyond words. you taught me that out of such great loss can come great self awareness and clarity.  that how i choose to live is simply a choice every single day. i feel blessed and privileged to have known you, loved you and to know that you are and always will be my child.

i guess today i am a mix of emotions. there is a dull ache in my heart. i am sad. i miss you. but still even four years later, i still believe if given the choice between never knowing you or knowing you for a brief time and losing you, i would still choose the latter.

happy birthday my sweet boy.

love and miss you


Thursday, November 22, 2012

even though cooper's birthday
is still five days away.
i associate this birth with thanksgiving.

in the spirit of being thankful
i thought i would  repost his birth story.
because i am so thankful that i am his mom!


my dear sweet precious cooper,

a year ago today you entered the world, stole our hearts and forever changed our lives. oh, how i wish we were celebrating your first birthday and making new memories, instead of holding on to the memories of your short time with us.

the night before you were born, your dad and i were about to fall asleep and we told you that it would be perfectly fine with us if you wanted arrive early. i had this gut feeling that you would be born on thanksgiving day and it would get us out ofthanksgiving dinner. you must have heard us talking and decided to indulge our wish, or maybe you somehow knew you would only be here a short while. whatever the reason, your early arrival gave us a full 3 weeks with you and for that i am grateful.

i slept fairly well that night and woke up at 5:30 because i was uncomfortable and had to go to the bathroom. it was then that my water broke and i just smiled to myself. i woke up your dad to tell him i thought it was time and went downstairs to call the doctor. he said to make our way to the hospital. iwasn't having contractions and wasn't in any pain, so i knew we had some time. your dad made coffee and i headed upstairs to pack our bag. we had been talking about how we should pack the hospital bag, but just never got around to it. i grabbed a diet coke on the way out the door and we arrived at the hospital around 6:30.

and then we waited, and waited and waited. since it was thanksgiving, the nurses worked shorter shifts, so we had three different ones by the time you were born. we watched alot of football games and waited. finally at 10 pm, after 16 hours of waiting your heart rate started to elevate and the dr decided that it was best if he delivered you via c-section.

you were born at 10:51 pm on thursday november 27th, 2008. when the nurses showed you to me, i immediately noticed your blond hair and that your hairline was the same as mine, a family trait without a doubt. you reached out and touched my face, as if you knew what lie ahead and were telling me it would be ok. the nurses then took you, cleaned you up and you met your dad. i love how you held on to his finger for strength and courage. after they finished sewing me up they let me hold you while they wheeled us to recovery. i remember thinking, "i cant believe they are letting me hold my baby, i am so drugged, aren't they afraid i will drop him?"

once we got to the recovery room, the nurse was about to hand you to me when she noticed that you looked a little blue. so they took you away and started doing tests. it seemed like an eternity before they told us that you needed to go to the nicu at strong and that you would be transported by ambulance. it felt like someone had ripped my heart out, i just met you and they were taking you away. little did i know how my heart would shatter in the coming weeks.

all i wanted to do was get out of the hospital and get to you. when we finally were able to see you, love you and hold you, i knew that my heart was no longer mine, it belonged to you and i would do whatever necessary to keep you safe.

cooper, there isn't a day that goes by that i don'tmiss you, that my heart doesn't ache to hold you, or wonder what you would be like on your first birthday. but i know this,by having you, knowing you and loving you, i am a better person and will be a better mother to your little brother. you changed me and for that i am grateful.

happy birthday cooper austin!

loving and missing you always

the doctor

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

this time of year, i spend
a great deal of time
with my thoughts.
some are memories
some are "what if's"
some are me trying to reconcile
the past with the present.

lately, i have been thinking
about the gifts that cooper
gave me  and how grateful
i am for those gifts.

the most unexpected gift is the
friendship that has slowly blossomed
with his cardiologist, dr m,
over the last 4 years.

i first met dr m in the waiting
room of nicu,  some 30 odd hours
after giving birth and learning
that my son was born with a heart defect.

she had spent more time
with our newborn son than his parents.
we were anxious to hold him in our arms
and spend time with him.

dr m understood this but 
knew there was much to explain.
she had a calm and confidence about
her that put me at ease, despite the fact
that my world was spinning out of control.

she was kind and compassionate.
she answered our questions,
even ones that in hindsight seem so trivial.
like will he be able to play hockey? or ski?

she wasnt condescending when
i realized for the first time
that "surgical repair" meant open heart surgery.
she explained in a very calm voice that one day
the girls would love the scar over his heart.

we left that meeting with a plan.
a plan that would be driven
by cooper's heart and
could change at any given moment.
we did not know the journey we were on,
or that our relationship would extend
beyond the walls of a medical office.

i remember many details about that day.
the shock, pain and sadness, but when i reflect
on the morning of december 18th,
 i am incredibly grateful.
grateful that dr m was cooper's doctor.

i will never forget her coming out to the
waiting room to give us an update.
i knew i needed to call my parents to
tell them to come to the hospital.
i could not do it, so i asked her to call.
ok, i basically threw my phone in her hands.

looking back i realize the enormity
of that request.
i was asking her to not only call my father,
the grandfather of her patient,
but to call a fellow doctor, as well.

i know how difficult this was 
and I will be forever grateful.

the heart team doesn't lose many patients.
they have a very high success rate. 
i know how heavy cooper's death
weighed on their hearts. 
i saw it in their tears, in their sadness
and in the way that they said goodbye to our sweet baby.

here we are four years later,
i will never understand why cooper died,
but, i am certain that he brought
dr m and i together .
some how he knew that we needed each
other, even if we didn't realize it yet.

i imagine that dr m doesn't get the opportunity
to know the families of her patients outside
of the hospital, especially the families 
of those children who don't make it.

it is my hope that watching ph, chace and i
dr m finds some peace knowing that despite
such heartbreak there can be healing, joy, and happiness.
as the daughter of a doctor who loses more patients
than he saves, I understand that doctors are human.
they are not god and even when everything goes 
as hoped, the outcome can be the one that no one wants.

for me, seeing dr m at yoga
makes me feel like all is right in the world.
having her on the mat next to me
brings me a peace and connection to cooper 
that i can not explain.

perhaps it is knowing that he brought us together
or that our lives are forever changed because of him

this I do know,
i am grateful that dr m was his dr
and more importantly that she is my friend. 


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Have you met the newest member of our family?
Before you get excited....
It's not a puppy or a pony
We are not expecting another child.
Let me repeat.
We are not expecting another child.
Although this project has taken 
Almost 9 months to complete.

Last April I embarked on a path to take
My business go the next level.
To get serious about my work, thus 
Making my creative endeavors 
More than hobby .

Scary. Yes!
But I believed in my product.
Believed that this is part of cooper's gift
And I owed it to him, myself and my family
To take a leap of faith.
To follow my heart
My dreams
And leap!

I am so proud to share
Lucends.com with you.
I am giddy, nervous, excited, 
Anxious, scared and inspired 
By what the future holds.

And I hope you will come along 
On the journey!



Thursday, November 8, 2012

time flies by.
time stands still.
time heals all wounds.
i need more time.
all i have is time.
take your time.
time marches on.

these phrases we use
and hear every single day.
and it has got me thinking about time
and what it means to me.

when i went to vote on tuesday
it was heavy on my mind.
the last presidential election
i was very pregnant with cooper.
i was counting down the days
till his arrival.

i want time to speed up
because i was tired of being pregnant
and wanted to meet my son.
i wanted to time to slow down
because i wanted to enjoy doing nothing
but knitting and watching law and order.

when he was born and we learned of
his heart defect i wanted time to stop.
i knew somewhere in my heart,
in my soul that my time with him
would be limited.

after his death, i heard
"time will heal your heart"
or "give it time, it will get easier"
my heart hasn't healed,
but it is not so raw all the time.
there is a scar over my wounded heart
that sometimes is ripped off.
but when the scar is there, the loss
is easier to live with...

early on i counted his absence in
minutes, hours and days.
i am still aware of those things
but it does not dictate my day.
i am acutely aware of it as we approach
his birthday and anniversary of his death.
but i think that is normal.

you see, i have learned this about time.
it waits for no one.
i have a choice
i can focus on time lost,
not having enough time,
or wishing time would move faster
or i can live in THIS moment.
enjoying every second, minute and hour
that i have today, with chace,
ph, my family and friends.

because the only way to really grasp time
is to fully live it.